Is your relationship in a rut, or have you found the level of predictability and comfort that is almost a superpower in long-lasting love?
We often hear in movies, shows, social media that predictability and comfort in your relationship is bad.
Being comfortable is settling, chemistry should always feel electric, and marriages get boring.
When really, predictability and comfort are foundational in long-lasting marriages.
Fully and deeply knowing your partner is one of the greatest feelings in the world and unlocks a peace in your life that allows you to become your most honest and authentic self.
Today we are digging into the power of predictability and comfort.
Welcome to Penned in Ink, a podcast where we discuss marriage and the power of long-lasting love.
Let's jump into this.
So we've been married 30 plus years.
We are predictable, we are comfortable, we must be boring as heck and having an absolute terrible time in life.
Is that what it is?
Absolutely not.
Or we probably wouldn't have made it to the 30 plus years.
Definitely would not have made it to the 30 years.
I would hope not.
But those are valid things that people worry about.
They worry that their partner after a really long time will take them for granted.
Maybe they won't feel as loved as they used to.
Unappreciated.
The spice of romance will be gone because everything I know, everything that's going to happen, I've done it all, everything.
Yeah.
Odds are maybe you're even feeling that and that's how you searched and found today's episode.
So we're going to jump right into this, but before we do, let's introduce ourselves.
I'm Michael and I'm here with Melissa and we've been married over 30 years, nearing 31 years now and together even longer.
And on this podcast, we discuss marriage and the power of long-lasting love with the intent of giving you a look at what a healthy long-term marriage looks like.
And Melissa brings her professional experience to the table, which is.
Mental health counselor.
And I hear a lot of the topics that we're going to be discussing today in my practice.
And for those of you who joined us for the first time, this is not clinical help.
This is just Melissa and I sharing our experiences as a long lasting marriage.
With that, let's jump into our first topic.
Let's start by talking about what we mean when we talk about comfort and predictability.
And a lot of times people hear comfort, predictability.
They think everything becomes boring.
I know everything in my world.
I know everything in my life.
What we're going to talk about today is not predictability in your life.
It's predictability and comfort with your partner, because we all know no matter how predictable we get, life is not predictable.
Things are going to happen.
Events are going to happen.
Curveballs are going to be thrown your way.
So we talk about today, comfort.
We're going to talk about comfort with your partner.
And we talk about predictability.
We're going to talk about predictability and what that looks like in a partner.
Absolutely.
Yeah, you can't predict what's going to go on around you all the time.
So it's definitely about interrelationship.
Our 30 years have had many turns and curves and our next 30 will have just as many, probably.
Listen, 30 more years.
I was just going to say that.
I don't know.
Anyway, it doesn't sound good.
When you think of comfort in this term, in relationship, let's talk about us.
What does comfort mean for us?
What do you mean by comfort?
Because honestly, you led a lot of the thought process around today's topic.
So when you think of comfort, what does that mean?
Safety and connectedness.
For the most part, I feel connected to you quite a bit.
And I feel safe in your presence.
And that's definitely a relationship thing, not an environmental thing.
So physically safe.
Emotionally safe.
You just find safe.
Define safe for me a little bit more.
Definitely.
All of the above.
It's feel safe physically, feel safe to be able to talk about anything, emotionally speaking, and not feel like I'm going to be laughed at or criticized.
That feels safe to know that you can talk about absolutely anything.
That you can be authentic with somebody.
Okay.
So when you say safe in this concern, my mind always around safety goes immediately to safe and secure and kind of a physical presence.
But you're really talking more about the ability to have conversations that are maybe hard or to come to me with something that you're struggling with and not be made fun of for it or whatever.
Have we always been good at that?
I'm kind of thinking about that.
I think over time, I probably have gotten less judgy and less and more receptive to a lot of the conversations we have than maybe I was in my 20s and 30s.
Is that a fair assessment?
I would think so because I was thinking.
You would think so.
Hopefully you know so.
I know so.
We're talking about us.
Yes.
And there is a difference in that safety and security, especially when you start dating in your teens, right?
And you get married in your early 20s.
You're kind of immature then.
And so safety and security might mean something different then than it does now.
Well, let's just allude to it a little bit.
We dated in our high school years, got engaged coming out of college, got married right out of college, and then more or less grew up together from a very young day, young early days.
And so I think emotional safety in particular has probably changed a tremendous amount over the course of our thing.
Physical safety has always been there.
The trust in each other has probably always been there.
But just knowing for myself and how I process things and how I can be not dismissive, but just a little, like if it doesn't resonate with me, it took me a long time to realize that people resonate different things.
And like, well, an example of this might be you're much more emotional than I am.
You're an empath with your career, with the way you process emotions.
I don't process emotions anywhere near the same as you do.
You're shaking your head.
You're agreeing.
You disagree?
No, I'm agreeing.
Yeah, definitely.
And but with time, I have found that you are more accepting of that or like you said, not as judgy.
You're like, okay, we'll get into predictability in a bit.
But there's that comfort in knowing that you know me well enough that you're not going to laugh if I say, oh, if I'm crying, actually, I still kind of have troubles with that one.
If I'm like crying, do you see I was crying during that last episode at Outlander?
When they were doing the touchy feely talking things?
No, but I didn't see it, but I knew you had to be because I said they're going, oh my gosh, they're trying to make you cry at every moment.
There's no way you're not crying over there.
I try not to do it in front of y'all, but not as much as I used to.
Back in the day, I'd be like somebody would laugh at me.
This time you might just pat me on the leg or something.
So not quite as right.
It doesn't feel quite as fun.
Fair enough.
Another way that I think comfort can be defined for us or shows up in our relationship is we've gotten to a level of comfort with each other that we are grateful for our routines and our interactions and our daily patterns, if you will, because they're comfortable.
We have lots of joy in our daily experiences because we've created a comfortable, safe interaction with each other that you can sort of laugh at the little things that you can do to make fun of the things you find ridiculous or stupid, or you can be upset about something inside our four walls that maybe is happening outside our four walls.
Is that another way that you look at comfort?
Yeah, most definitely.
Not just be comfortable when exciting things are happening, but also when just, like you said, the day-to-day.
cooking dinner or doing, but that comfort of just being in another person's presence.
Yeah, I think that's a nice way of saying that.
I like that.
And you talked about the ability to, the safety part of coming to each other with topics that might be hard or anything, but I think there's another piece of that, which is feeling understood when you come to somebody and you have a level of comfort with them that they sort of know your past perspective, your past history, your sort of background to a level that when you come to something, it's not a new or foreign concept.
They have this sort of history with you that they can help you through those things.
You're sort of being seen more than just a random thought.
Is that what you mean by feeling understood?
Yeah, absolutely.
Okay, so those are all ways that comfort shows up in our life.
Comfort might show up for you differently in your relationship, but the idea here is that things that allow your body to relax, to be a little more authentic with each other, to be a little more open with each other, are the things that we see as positives and what comfort looks like in our relationship.
Let's make a hard pivot from comfort and define and look at what predictability means for us.
A lot of people, when they talk about predictability, I think they're taking a very narrow view of predictability and they're looking at it going as, there's nothing new, I'm feeling kind of bored with the interactions.
And what they're missing is that predictability in your relationship shows up in a ton of different areas.
So let's spend just a minute or two talking about when we say predictability in our relationship, what do we mean by that?
Fully and deeply knowing each other.
And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that we have that.
For instance, in responses, I can predict pretty well what you're going to say to something I say to you.
For instance, today at a really stressful session, I specifically came to you because I knew it was predictable that when I said, "Wow, that was really hard," I knew what your response was going to be.
Well, it was my response.
Your response was, "Oh my gosh, "that does sound extremely good." It was validating, you validated me.
And I knew that is what I was going to get, which is why I came.
I only had seconds before my next session was supposed to start, but I needed that.
Yeah, and I think you knew you were going to get more than just those words, you were going to get me to stop.
Because one of the things we've added to our relationship is that when we start a conversation, whatever I'm doing, whatever you're doing, we pause.
If you're coming to me, we both work from home.
So you have your office, I have my office.
If you come walking into my office, there's a reason you're walking into my office.
So you knew that my response was going to be predictable in that I was going to stop what I was doing, I was going to listen to you for whatever the minutes were, and I was going to respond in a way that sort of maybe helped you process for a few minutes there.
So that's a way that predictability shows up.
I know my partner well enough to know that if I need this, or if I present them with this situation, I'm likely to get this response, okay?
What other ways does predictability show up?
In-dependability, I know when you say you're going to do something, you're going to do it.
I can't think of the last time where you said, oh, I forgot, or oh, I didn't get around to it.
I'm sure there's at least one example, but I cannot think of one, especially in the last decade as we've even gotten closer with time.
So in that dependability, you say what you're going to do and you do it.
So being predictable in doing what you say you're going to do, or for others, it might be being predictable in, oh, they're not going to do what they say they're going to do.
So we're talking about what it looks like for us, but predictability can cut both ways.
You can be predictable in not doing what you said you're going to do, or you can be predictable in when your partner comes to you, you're always going to overreact.
There's negative and positive predictability here.
So what we're talking about is knowing your partner well enough that you know how they're going to respond in certain situations.
I think maybe what I'm alluding to there too is we also know what things are going to upset each other, what things might push us a little bit to be a little more angry or be a little happier or be a little sad.
I think we know each other's buttons well enough to know, okay, maybe this is not the time to go into that because you might react this way, or hey, this is a better time to bring this up because I know you're in a positive space where you'll be more receptive to this.
That makes sense?
Yeah.
I love it when you smile in these things.
So something just came to mind that triggers.
Well, one, we hadn't really talked about that.
When we do show prep, you know, have ideas about what we're going to talk about when we come on.
Yeah, we just get in here and ramble.
(laughing) Sometimes it feels like it.
Sometimes it feels or looks like it maybe or sounds like it.
But we hadn't covered that one, but that is so true.
And you mentioned buttons.
It's a therapy thing.
And some people will use that in an unhealthy relationship.
We'll use that against them.
Oh, of course.
They'll know, oh, I'm gonna say this thing because-- Okay, so this goes back and this is a nice how we're gonna tie this all in as we go forward.
Predictability and comfort go together.
They build on each other.
So if you have that safety and that level of comfort, then you know those hot buttons and that predictability is not gonna be used as a weapon against you.
It's gonna be used as something that enhances your communication, enhances your affection for each other, your relationship.
But I think what is a Spiderman with great powers, great responsibility or something like that, the better you know your partner, in a good healthy relationship, the better you support each other.
In a not so healthy relationship, the more you can hurt each other.
So there is a vulnerability and exposure that comes, but you can't really build comfort and predictability without those things.
So let's just go a little bit more into predictability and let's talk a little bit about, I mean, have we always been as predictable in our lives as we are now?
I'm gonna short answer that, no.
And partially, let's talk about the phases we've gone through in our life.
So in our 20s, was our daily routine and our schedule as predictable as it is now?
Definitely not.
Between your work and me going to grad school and work, it was, each day was a different day, nothing was very-- Right, and then friends and social and all, you know, sort of 20 something activities that you would do.
Then we had these things called kids that maybe throw predictability out the window, throw routines out the window and change the focus.
Then we went through high schoolers in college, we started to get a little bit of our routine back when they went to college, but she still had a lot of variability there, they would come home on holidays and everything.
Now we're full on empty nesters and after COVID, we both work from home 100% of the time.
So our routines, our daily routines are very predictable.
Right.
What's the benefit of having predictable daily schedules?
(laughs) For you, for me.
Well, you know, I am known for liking my schedules, liking routine, it's a safety and comfort for myself.
Yeah, Melissa is adorably rigid in her schedules.
Adorably, very interesting.
Rigid, okay, some of the time, but anyway, the positive-- You have the ability to not be rigid anymore, but you definitely wouldn't give it an option follow the schedule.
Very true, and we have had a pretty predictable schedule since COVID, since the girls are 100% out, they each own their own home, they are not here at all anymore.
Right, so you have a schedule that you follow that says, I know your times, that you're protected your times, you work out in the mornings, you do certain things throughout the day.
We have our walks in the evening, we know that always in the five o'clock hour, we're gonna take our dog out, by the way, we didn't introduce our dog, but our dog, Ginger, is hanging out down there.
That predictability allows us to know where each other are, what's going on, but also allows us to do things like not schedule over each other.
I don't schedule things in the morning if we've got meetings or things that are going on, because that's protected time.
Or we know that if we're gonna be out in the evenings or something, that we sort of have that protected hour in there that we have to work around.
It just gives us that ability to be more efficient with how we run our days.
Yeah, absolutely.
I was just thinking about that, that if it's nine o'clock in the morning, you can't find me, I'm in the gym in the garage.
You just know where I'm gonna be.
And I know when I'm done with my workout, you're probably in the midst of really getting into your day.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I make it a point of not stopping in unless there's something quite important.
So when I have a husband and meeting for my calls, that sort of stuff.
Yes, and that's when you're, even if you're not in a call, I know that's when you're most productive.
And so I'm not gonna interrupt that.
Yep, makes sense.
So I think we've covered the fact that comfort looks like safety and security and the ability to be more open and authentic with each other.
Predictability in the case of a relationship gives you a foundation that you can work on to improve your communication, to be more relied upon from each other, to basically just be more efficient in how you interact with each other.
So let's move on to the next topic, which is how do you become comfortable in your relationship and how do you become more predictable or how do you see predictability in your partner?
I thought it just happened.
That's not how it works.
Yeah, exactly, right.
It just happens on year 28 and six months.
No, it does not just happen.
It actually takes lots of work and lots of intentionality.
We've mentioned that getting to know someone deeply and fully is a way to get to be comfortable and it comes from predictability.
Let's start with talking about how do you build a level of comfort with somebody?
And not just comfort, but comfort to the extreme.
How do you get really, really comfortable?
Frame it with us.
Let's talk about what we do.
And then we'll throw maybe some other ideas in there to help you build comfort.
So what are some ways we build comfort?
Everyday affection.
We're very affectionate with each other.
Not in public.
Not in public.
Yeah, what's that about?
Anyway, I think that's another episode.
I don't do public affection.
That's what that's about.
I'm predictable in that way.
Predictable in that way.
And so it doesn't bother me.
Good, all right.
So daily affection in our four walls.
Absolutely.
Well, would you agree or what do you think is another one that we do?
Well, I think we've gotten better at honesty in our discussions.
Early on, I think our conversations were good, but maybe not complete.
They maybe weren't deep.
Maybe I would stop a sentence or two shy of where I knew we maybe disagreed, or I would be hesitant to push into areas where, hmm, maybe I thought your emotions were gonna come out.
And now I think we are much clearer in those communications.
I think we've learned a lot better about when to have those conversations, which is a way to be comfortable.
Some people need time to process.
Other people want to lean in right in the moment.
As we've learned each other, I know that you need time to process.
So I think we've gotten better.
I've gotten better at not pressing you in times where you're not ready to be pressed.
So I think that in turn makes our communication and arguments or disagreements easier, which makes them more comfortable.
I think that's the way it comes to mind.
So better listening, active.
Yeah.
I'm just gonna keep cutting you off.
You guys have thought there?
No, I totally agree.
You're like, damn, I should have thought of that one.
Right?
Well, just the way you phrased it.
I thought of that one, but not in the way that you phrased.
You don't get credit if you don't say it on camera.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not the counselor.
Granted, you do have a bachelor's degree in psych.
So it's not like- And I listen 45 minutes every day on a walk to a counselor speaking.
That could be, okay.
And maybe I get to the end of the day.
And today was a little bit tough.
You get to the end of the day and it's- Don't defend yourself.
You're in a safe space.
You should feel comfortable here.
Too funny.
Anyway, you were talking about knowing when to go, and I am very fond of saying in my sessions, there's not always a perfect time to talk to somebody about something, but there's often a better time than other.
And since you know me so well, you know that in the heat of the moment, if you can tell, I'm starting to get a little bit agitated and now is not the time to put, so you might not be able to look for a perfect time, but you know a better time than others.
Right, and I think-- It's talking about stuff.
This bleeds a little bit into predictability, and we'll talk about that, but as you start to learn your partner and you are able to predict them more, then you can help create a more comfortable atmosphere by not pushing those hot buttons, by not triggering them at wrong times.
What else?
I know there's a big one in here that you had talked about in our show prep that you thought was a good way of creating comfort, and we absolutely have done this one.
Right.
Which one is it?
It's commitment as the foundation.
There is comfort in knowing that I don't worry about our commitment anymore.
It doesn't even cross my mind that if we're upset with each other or we're not on the same page about something or we're not really connecting and having a couple of these, I do not worry at all that that is gonna end our relationship.
That has been off the table for quite some time, but not, I would say probably not in the first few years because how do you know that that takes time and that comfort that we've built with each other where I don't, it doesn't take up any mental space.
Interesting.
I'm saying interesting because one of the things that we've talked about in an earlier episode is I didn't commit to marriage until I knew that we were 100% committed.
So for me, commitment was, I mean, divorce has never been on the table.
So it's a little interesting that it took you maybe a little while to really feel that that was the way.
I think that speaks to saying the words and knowing intellectually something versus the time it takes to really know, I hate these sort of terms, but knowing your soul, know with a level of comfort that it's really off the table.
And for me, when I committed it was off the table.
For you, it sounds like it took a little while longer.
I take you years into your relationship to really trust and know that, hey, no, we are committed.
We've weathered some storms.
We are not going anywhere.
And that is a huge way to create comfort is just know that's off the table.
Absolutely.
And I want to, I guess, clarify.
You want to defend yourself and say you're committed from the start?
No, no, not at all.
I was, however, I had some confidence issues when I was younger and there was always that thought of, you know, will he find somebody better?
Well, we're getting into this.
Were you worthy of, did you feel like you were worthy of being comfortable and being committed?
It was just one of those things.
Yeah, we've been together a long time, but I know lots of people have been together for long times and they still, people stray or they get divorced or they break up.
And I think it just took a little bit longer for me.
I didn't go into our marriage thinking there was a chance of divorce, not in the least, but there was that thought at least.
No, I just feel it's different for some reason.
The divorce versus the maybe question.
No, I didn't question that you were fully committed.
I'm not sure there.
Yeah, we'll dig into that in a later episode.
Right?
I talked myself in a circle there.
You did a little bit.
That's why it's kind of fun to watch you go.
(laughing) Thanks.
So the way to build comfort is be really honest and really clear.
And in our world, we never talk divorce, we never talk breakup, we never talk any of those things because we don't bring those in at all.
And that is a way to help create comfort.
I think the last way, and there's probably more that we're not gonna cover, but we gotta move on to other topics, predictability itself helps create comfort.
So if you want to be more comfortable with your partner, then learn more about your partner to where you can predict how they're gonna respond, what they're gonna do, how they're gonna follow through and become more predictable yourself so your partner has a level of comfort, which is a nice pivot.
Into the next topic, if predictability leads to comfort, then let's spend a few minutes talking about how you and I become more predictable for each other and how we learned to predict each other.
The short answer is always gonna be well, we've been together for 30 years.
And you would think, oh, it's just time that teaches you predictability.
It's not just time, right?
It takes more than just that.
So let's talk a little bit about how we built predictability in our life.
Through, it's that consistency thing again.
In what you say, what we say to each other, in our behaviors, that predict, what I'm going to say today is will also be what I say tomorrow.
That consistency, that gives you comfort, that feels good.
Okay, so we show up consistently for each other.
The only way I know to show up consistently is if I show up based on my values and my core beliefs.
So I think a way that I become predictable for you is that first off, I had to know what my core values are.
I have to know what my sort of guiding thoughts are on a lot of things.
So I think a way to create predictability for your partner and to be predictable is you really have to know and be self-reflective about like, how am I going to show up in these scenarios?
And be willing to say, ooh, I showed up in a way that is not consistent with how I want to show up.
So it takes intentionality.
Definitely, and it's that connect, you have to be connected with your, sorry, Counselor Momojumbo, you have to be connected with yourself before you can be connected with somebody else.
And that's part of that knowing your values and your beliefs.
If you're kind of wishy-washy, it's kind of hard to connect and be comfortable with somebody and to predict how they're going to behave or what they're gonna say.
So a few of my core values that I bring to our relationship that I think help with predictability is I've committed a long time ago that the way I talk to you, the way I talk to my kids is going to be respectful.
It's not gonna be, I don't ever talk down to you, I don't talk down to the girls, I don't ever come at you guys.
I never, I mean, you'll see people who use foul language toward their partners, spouses, I will never and have never.
And my kids, I mean, my kids have heard me use foul language but never directed at them ever, right?
So that's one of my core ways is that it doesn't matter what you come with me.
And even when my kids really got me angry in high school and stuff, I was committed to, I'm never coming at you in a personally angry, aggressive way.
So that's one of my core things.
And I have always noticed about you because I hear in my sessions just today, it's funny that you say that, that's why I had that reaction with my hands.
Yeah, very visible.
I just heard today that somebody's partner used the F word against them, you know?
And to offend, shut up.
And I was like, is that what you heard?
Did they really say that?
And no, they really said that.
And I am dumbfounded that people that you love and care for would talk to you like that.
And you have never, never called me a bee.
You've never ever- I'm on a podcast, you can use the words.
Okay, sorry.
I'm used to, I turn out to use them in therapy sessions, but I guess you've never- You don't have to say them, but we all know what the words are.
Yeah.
And I think we're both predictable in that, we're not gonna go into character assassination.
We just don't attack each other on that level.
Right, so we respond to arguments or disagreements in a very, let's just use a respectful sort of tone.
I think other ways is I really pride myself on sticking to whatever I say I'm gonna do.
I might not say I'm gonna do everything, but if I say I'm gonna do it, I'm going to do it.
So if I commit to it, I'm gonna do it.
That's another way I show up consistently for you.
It allows you to mentally take something off your list.
If I've said I'm doing it, it's gonna be handled.
You can move on to other things that are on your laundry list of things.
So I show up by doing what I say I'm gonna do.
What else?
Got any others?
How do you show up?
How are you predictable?
That's what I was just thinking.
How do I show up?
That is a great, it's always the mundane things that I think of.
You know that I'll have ideas for dinner that I fed the dog.
When's the last time you fed the dog?
You just know that-- When you were traveling?
Because I show up in those things that I do for us.
Yeah, you show up in daily things that it takes to run our house.
I mean, I do as well, but your mind is going to those that you take care of.
But we have a division of labor in our house that we just stick to and we do those sort of things.
Don't feel bad or undersell the things that you do to make a house nice.
I think you're getting into some identity conflict sort of things around that where, am I really a strong, powerful woman if I say things like I will make sure there's dinner on the table?
But you raised our kids.
There was always dinner on the table.
That was a very predictable way you showed up.
Speaks to another thing that I remind us that if I'm running late, I let you know.
If you're not gonna be where you said you're gonna be, you let me know.
And it's not because we're checking in on each other.
It's because you're expected there or there's plans that are going on or I was waiting for this to happen and just there's a courtesy and a thoughtfulness and just being consistent in how you show up on those things.
I feel it's a respectful thing.
I, if somebody respects you, they're gonna communicate with you.
If things have changed or if something's gonna happen or anything is different, you let people know.
You know, I'm not talking like five minutes, but if you're gonna be 30 to 60 minutes past the time you say you're gonna be home, I think you should let somebody know so they know you're not dead in a ditch.
I think there are a few other things that we do that are very predictable that help in this are, I'm sorry to mention a little bit about our daily routines, but we walk the dog at the same time.
I always give you a morning kiss, you know, when, well, in the morning before I go to work.
Obviously what else would that happen?
There are certain things that I know that if, you know, it's the end of the day and I walk into the kitchen or you're finishing up your notes, there's probably gonna be a hug that I pretend I really don't want and don't need.
And then we're gonna go about our day.
So there's like those daily affections, those little things that are gonna happen there.
You know that when we sit down to end our evening watching an episode of Netflix before we go to bed, that if you lay down on the couch and put your foot down toward me, I'm gonna rub the scar on your ankle from your surgery.
Right, there's little things-- So sweet.
There's little things like that that are just predictable parts of our routine that lead into that building comfort.
I think the fear that a lot of people have is that those predictable things become boring.
And in my view, there's nothing boring about knowing how my partner's gonna respond when challenged or when stressed or when impacted by something big.
There's nothing boring in our routine because we set our routine.
If we didn't like it, we change it.
So predictable doesn't mean rigid.
It just means that we found a pattern that's really good for us and comfortable and we both are getting, I hate these sort of terms.
I keep going, we're both getting our needs met and we're both like-- It works.
Right, and it's comfortable for us.
So the comfort and the predictability is something we set and chose.
Now, if you just sort of fall into it and you're not intentional and you're not working, that's different.
That's boredom and potentially disconnection or lack of gratitude.
Like there's a lot of other things, but in a healthy way, predictability just is comfortable and it's good.
I think people downplay that.
Right, I think you hear that a lot in your, right?
People questioning, should I be this comfortable or should I be-- Yeah, and I really encourage them to look within themselves and in their partnership.
I don't care if you saw on TV that couples need to have a date night every week or they have, if you guys enjoy the routine and you found comfort in your predictability and you're okay with that, that's all that should matter.
Nothing else should matter.
The outside, what you see on TV, what your friends are doing, what your friends are saying, shouldn't matter.
Great, I think that's a great pivot into the topic we wanna talk about now, is why do people not strive for predictability or comfort?
I think one of the big ones is, they don't realize it's an option.
What does that look like?
Maybe they've never seen it before.
That's also something I see in my practice quite a bit.
They never had it in their own life or in their past relationships, so they don't realize that that's something they should be working toward, that that's a good thing because they don't realize, oh, you can do that, really?
They're kind of surprised by it.
Yeah, I think a lot of people think they know their partner, but they don't put in the work to actually know their partner.
And to your point that if I don't see benefits in it, then maybe I don't even know that it's something to aspire to.
I don't even know it's something to try to.
Or I also maybe enjoy or am more comfortable in the drama.
And if I like to live in the drama, then maybe, people don't always live in the healthiest of ways.
And sometimes they don't feel settled or right unless it's unsettled and unpredictable.
And that just doesn't last.
That doesn't hold up over time.
Thoughts on that?
It's just a really common thing.
It really is.
And not just in your relationships with the topic we're discussing today, but just life in general.
If your life has often been full of drama and chaos, that's where your comfort lies.
It sounds counterintuitive, but it's a thing.
I think we probably need to say those words we sort of come back to a lot, which is not communication, which we'll get to later, but just social media.
The idea that you see out there, I mean, reality TV, reality influencers, the lifestyle you see out there is glitz and glam and excitement and the big grand gestures and the surprise trips or all the things that people fall into the trap of believing that's what a healthy marriage looks like.
No, that's a highlight reel.
That's a persona.
That's a sales tool.
That's a promotional marketing.
That's not what most long-term healthy marriages look like.
So we buy into this false belief that it's supposed to be exciting, that it's supposed to be all these things.
And those things downplay or discount, well, no, if you can actually be comfortable and predictable, then you're becoming a truer version of yourself and you're more comfortable.
And we'll talk in one of our next sections.
What unlocks when you become those things?
Other reasons people don't ever become comfortable and predictable in their relationship.
They don't think they can.
They think that's unattainable for them.
Or maybe not worthy of it.
Yeah, like they don't deserve it.
You touched on that earlier when we were talking and there's this kind of self-fulfilling prophecy.
And if you go really into the psychology, there's something called learned helplessness.
If you've never had it and you don't think you deserve it or you feel that if you get it, it's gonna be gone in an instant.
And so they don't even try for it.
Well, I think this is a good moment probably to say in the most concrete and explicit way that if you're listening to this and you have that issue of questioning, you absolutely deserve to be in a comfortable relationship and you absolutely deserve to be in a predictable relationship with somebody and challenge yourself to be more predictable yourself.
And to look for that predictability in your partner.
Yeah, it's an awesome thing.
It is.
And sometimes you might need help with that.
Not putting a plug for the counseling, my case loads full, I'm good.
But sometimes we can't do that on our own and we need to seek outside help for learning how to be comfortable with yourself so that you can maybe generalize that to your relationship.
Perfect.
Let's move this into a very concrete example of where being predictable and not mean a comfortableness.
So this is an example of predictability.
So we're gonna move to our inked moments section, which is where we share a story from our life, from our history that is relevant to today's topic and hopefully illustrates exactly what we're talking about.
All right, so tell us a story that of a time, very concrete time where I showed up for you in a very predictable manner.
Yeah, I have a good one here, which is I got in a one car wreck back in.
Oh my goodness.
Oh, it was a while ago.
It was a while ago.
So going off and off off ramp, I went off the road.
Nothing like that had ever happened to me.
My heart was going a mile a minute.
I took stock.
I was okay.
The car wasn't, but I was okay.
But instead of going straight for triple A, my triple A card, I was like, I need to talk to Michael.
I'm shaking.
I need some amount of stability.
And even though we've never had such a situation, never had a wreck like that, I knew that I would get the calming influence that I needed.
And so my first call was to you, not to anybody else.
It was to Michael and it was early because I was going to a psychology conference.
And you weren't close.
You were like, you were like, Oh, like an hour away.
You were 99 miles away.
99 miles away.
We know that in a minute.
Exactly.
And I, my first thought, like I said, it wasn't calling triple A.
It wasn't calling the police.
It was calling you because I needed you to ground me and to say, hey, it's okay.
This is what we're going to do.
Because like I said, the adrenaline, if you ever been in a car wreck, the adrenaline is just so intense.
And I needed that predictability in, in order to calm down and do what needed to be done.
How did I respond?
Did I say, damn it, you wrecked the car?
No.
No, and it was a lovely car.
It was a nice car.
Anyway, no, you did not.
It was you exactly.
First off, I think you said, take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
It's okay.
You're okay, right?
And I said, yes, I am.
And he says, that'll, that's all that matters.
Okay.
So here's what we're going to do.
And you walked me through the steps.
And the heart rate dropped.
I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was like 10 years ago.
I do.
I remember it.
And that was a predictability that I needed in that moment.
Yeah.
If you would have gone off the rails, which is unusual for you.
And that is not what I would have predicted.
I probably would have started with AAA.
But I didn't I started with you because I needed you and I knew how you were gonna respond Awesome.
I didn't fail that test.
That's good.
You did not know the reason we knew it was 99 miles away Is our AAA had free towing for a hundred miles and ironically the wreck happened 99 miles away from our shop So they talked to it all the way back.
That's the only reason I know is 99 miles away Yeah, all right that that is our ink moment where Michael showed up in a predictable way In a good way in a comforting way Let's move to maybe what I think is, not that the other topics haven't been super interesting, but I think this is sort of a fundamental question we should have addressed or need to address, which is, okay, I've become comfortable.
I've become predictable.
And you mentioned early in the episode that this is almost a little bit of a superpower.
Well, what gets unlocked when this happens?
What, yeah, like why do I care?
I mean, hopefully you care because you've listened for, I don't know, 40 minutes at this point, but why do I care?
What gets unlocked when you become comfortable and predictable?
And if you've watched many of our episodes, you know this is where I'm going, better communication.
I know I can come to you with something.
I have an idea of how you're going to respond.
That feels good.
Yeah, I mean, yeah, freedom to approach topics and not be judged and everything is really nice.
I think many, especially, and we will not get into politics.
We will not get into craziness of modern culture.
We will not get into the stressors of daily life, of raising kids, of building careers, of uncertain financial times.
I mean, the world is a crazy, crazy place.
And having someone that you can consistently come to and bounce ideas off of and look for understanding or just vent and express is a great relief valve, right?
I mean, we keep those things pent up or we go to voices or we go to people in our lives that we maybe can't trust and we end up having conflict or arguments with those.
It's really nice to have that as a outlet for learning and growing and exploring thoughts.
And you and I will often talk through things together before we talk to people outside the house, just so we have a better sense of where we stand on things.
And yeah, we don't agree on a lot of the things that we talk about.
So it's not about being in alignment and agreement.
It's about respecting each other enough to have those conversations and maybe finding common ground, but also just disagreeing at times.
Just lots of things we just disagree on.
Right, and that's where that safety piece comes in.
Right, you're fond of saying we are not the same person.
We are not the same person.
We are not, we have a lot of things in common.
We're similar in many ways, but we are definitely different people.
And that's a good thing, but there's still that predictability and comfort there that feels good.
Okay, some other practical ways that predictability shows up or really knowing your partner shows up, I'll take some.
I don't get dragged into things you know I'm not gonna enjoy.
I very rarely get-- Craft fairs.
I was saying I very rarely get dragged to a craft fair, although I did go to, ironically, I did go to a craft fair this past holiday with you.
Yeah, whatever it was.
So I don't get, but I don't get volunteered to do large gatherings or parties or those sort of things.
I'm much more in the, you know, going out with another couple or something like that, a little smaller engagement.
I don't get dragged into things that you know I'm not really gonna enjoy because predictability, I'm not gonna have a good time with those things.
So we don't do those.
What else?
Yeah, I was, well, there's that part about, like with my workouts in the morning, there's those protected times.
Or, you know, I like to read with my breakfast.
And yeah, sometimes you'll come and talk to me during that time.
But you know that's something I like to do.
Because I'm predictable and liking to do that and you know that and you respect that, I get to have that.
Right, I don't tend to talk over here reading time unless I've got something that's sort of important there.
I think at lunch today, I actually got up and walked away from the table when you sat down because I said, well, hey, the company got bad, but what I was really saying was as you're tied down at the table and sitting reading, I was gonna go about it with my day.
The couple of things that come to mind here, and I think this is maybe, not to generalize or put gender stuff on here, but I think this one's a little more important for many women than it is men.
Being predictable and doing what you say you're gonna do and showing up consistently reduces the mental load that you're carrying.
So when we agree that I'm gonna take care of certain things or you're gonna take care of certain things, you truly can just take that off the list.
You don't have to worry about that anymore.
And if you're in a relationship where that's not the case, saying you're gonna do something or being asked to do something, that all has mental weight to it.
But if there's certain things that you just are responsible for and you just do them, those never get onto the list, which is even better than being asked to do them where they come off the list.
So I think reduced mental load is a huge benefit of being predictable and being predictable.
There are some things we can't let go of, like stress in your job.
And so if there are things outside of that that can kind of buffer you a little bit so that you have the energy and the ability to deal with the things that you don't have control over, and it's very nice knowing that I don't have to worry.
I pull up in my car and the grass is getting a little long.
I said, "I wish Michael was gonna do that tonight because it's gonna rain tomorrow and I don't know who won." But I don't have to think about that.
It's cross-fleeting thought.
Yep.
It's nice.
Another benefit, I have two more for us.
When you know your partner, how they're gonna react, how they're gonna be predictable in certain things, it gives you the opportunity to do things you know they're going to like.
Because we always think about, we've talked a lot about, well, they might respond negatively, they might have this, well, there's the flip side of that, which is, I know if I do these certain things, they're really going to like it.
So it might be, if I get this favorite food of theirs, they're really gonna like it.
Or if I, hey, just take care of X, I know they're gonna enjoy that, it's gonna free up something for them.
So the fact that you know your partner well enough, not just how they're gonna react, but when it comes to you, but how they're gonna react if something's done positively for them, I think is a big benefit of that.
And then the last one is really counterintuitive.
I think the more predictable you are with your partner, the more special or exciting the unpredictable becomes.
When you break your routine in a positive way, I'm not saying break it in a negative way, but when you break your predictability in positive ways, be it the surprise little gift or be it leaving flowers for someone unexpectedly, not on Valentine's Day, because everybody's doing that, it leaves a bigger impression because it was out of the ordinary.
So it doesn't have to be the big grand gesture, but just that pattern interruption of, oh, that was unpredictable, really actually has more weight to it.
Yeah, and you're right, that seems odd, but no, it's-- So upside of being insanely predictable is that the little things you do that are unpredictable become more impactful.
Yeah, and they're truly noticed.
Yep, all right, let's move to our Pen to Paper segment.
In our Pen to Paper segment, we give you a challenge or reflection that's designed to help you write your own long lasting marriage story.
In this episode, we have discussed how fully and deeply knowing your partner is one of the greatest feelings in the world and leads to predictability and comfort in all the best possible ways.
We are firm believers in expressing gratitude and being thankful for all the things that we have.
Our challenge for you today is, name one thing your partner reliably does that you have stopped consciously noticing.
Write it down, then tell them that you noticed, not as a way to compliment, but to show them that you're still aware after all the time that you've been together of these unconscious things.
This challenge is awesome because it is a real fear that predictability can lead to being taken for granted, to feeling unseen.
This challenge is a moment to take a beat and just be grateful and acknowledge, hey, my partner and I are so comfortable, we're so predictable, we're doing all these awesome things for each other, just take a moment, show gratitude and revel in the joy of being predictable.
Yeah, that's a great way to put it.
That's today's Pen to Paper.
This brings us to the end of today's episode.
If the case wasn't clear enough, we love predictability and comfort that we have built in our relationship over our 30 plus years of marriage, and we truly hope you are in the midst of building your own relationship that's full of predictability and comfort.
With that, we wanna thank you for joining us and we invite you to connect with us by joining our free Penned in Ink community.
Here we share free digital guides and the occasional updates to help you write your own long lasting love story.
Click the link in the description to join now.
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Thanks for joining us.
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