We want to share with you something that took us years to understand Finding the right person does not make marriage easy.
It just makes the work worth it If no one told you that prior to getting married, then this is the episode for you Welcome to Penned in Ink a podcast where we discuss marriage and the power of long-lasting love In every long-lasting relationship or marriage there will come a time where the easygoing Love conquers all starts to fade and something more real is built.
It doesn't mean it's a big crisis It doesn't mean it's a big change It just means the ease of early marriage early relationship moves in and evolves into something deeper that requires work and effort Today we are gonna discuss that shift Alright, some people call that the honeymoon phase or they call it what the seven-year itch something like that What is it?
How did we experience this?
Let's talk about that a bit First off.
It's a natural progression of relationships The love conquers all doesn't last indefinitely at some point.
He's some of the intimacy Emotional physical tapers off a bit and that is that moment and people start to question their relationship Alright, so when it happened for us if it happened yet, we've been married 30 years for those of you joining us for the first Time I'm Michael.
This is Melissa We've been married over 30 years and we just share stories of our life and try to illustrate some issues and struggles You might be encountering.
So are we still in the honeymoon phase 31 30 years in?
No, no, no, and I'm okay with that.
I thought it was but fun I'm okay with that because I've liked the progression.
It's worked for it.
Has it always been easy?
Absolutely, not but it it would be weird to stay in.
Yeah So when do we first start have to really work on our real our marriage?
I think it was when we bought our first home about a year into our marriage And there was a lot going on That's going on.
Well that first year we lived in town.
So I was still finishing it up Undergrad.
Okay, so we were super young.
We got married in our early 20s.
Yes.
Yeah.
Okay got married in our early 20s you were working at the college and I still had a year left to complete my bachelor's degree.
So things didn't change a whole lot I didn't think I really do feel that was a honeymoon face make sense It's about a year and we bought a house.
We bought a house going on in our lives at that point you were working for the same company, but in a different spot and I was going to grad school and We had just bought the house.
So we were trying to set up a home Together and we were going many different directions Whereas when we still lived in town during that one-year honeymoon period it was easy We saw each other at dinner.
We usually had dinner at the same time We got up and left the house at the same time That was different when it came to once we bought the house and I was going to school 40 minutes this way and work 40 minutes this way We didn't always connect physically Emotionally because we were we missed each other with all the stuff that was going on.
Yeah, I think The phrase is ships passing in the night sort of deal.
We moved from More or less having same schedules together a lot Sort of knowing the ins and outs of what was going on each other's day to a period of time where?
We didn't have that day-to-day connection.
We didn't have that immediacy which presented a challenge, right?
I didn't whereas before I knew if you had a good day or had a bad day or a long day or we're struggling Or something or had something big coming up when we were in this phase We were often not as in sync on those sort of things, right?
I think that's the the gist of how our ease of Relationship was first tested was yeah proximity in time and once again, no crisis all the things that were going on were good things Graduate school jobs.
They were good things.
It wasn't a crisis.
It was just an evolution of the relationship, right?
So if you are at a phase in your relationship where you felt really in sync everything was going good And now all of a sudden it's just feeling a little out of sync Maybe you don't have as much time for each other won't that's what we're talking about today How do we get through those phases?
So I think the gap between ease and work is sort of we're gonna talk about or are talking about That is a great way to phrase it.
So let's share a Story, we're gonna bring in one of our recurring segments that we call inked moment Now we tell lots of stories about our relationship, but in the inked moment segment, we want to share one very concrete Clear memory we have this on today's topic.
Now.
I think what I'm gonna share a story about when I Had sort of a epiphany.
I like that word.
It's a it's a it's a big word, but it's a fun word I basically had the realization that We had sort of been coasting and that we needed to actually lean in on this.
So we've been married We move we lived in Oregon got married in Oregon had our two kids in Oregon And when they were about three years old, we moved to North Carolina and we had set in here and we moved from my job You initially were stay at home with the girls and at this time Girls were about eight or nine I think is what we sort of talked about and you had started to go back into the workforce because the girls were in school now and Everything was good.
Like the kids were healthy.
They were in school They were in activities.
We were good.
My job was good.
You were starting to work for agencies.
You're a counselor So as we're giving stories and everything we're coming from the lens of a very long marriage But also a therapist background counselor background Everything was good.
And at my job I have the luxury of listening to talk radio all day long and I at the time had been listening to this guy Who was a big finance guy and he was all about optimization and frugality and sort of Making the most out of what you had and that was cool and everything But they changed the radio program to a very popular money guy Which you all will know as soon as I start talking some of the the concepts of him We're not getting into a debate if you like his stuff or not But he had something that his mindset was and one of his phrases is live like no one else so you can live and give like no one else and the idea was Get rid of debt really Sacrifice in certain areas of your life so that you can build something awesome And I realized I should think about that as like we were good financially.
We weren't great We had a good amount of debt.
We had school debt.
Yeah school debt.
We saw some consumer debt I think a little bit and we had the house.
Yeah, and but we were good like everything was comfortable and That's what I challenge us in the financial area of like whoa You could be better if you just worked on it a little bit more and I think the epiphany part of it was Well damn if that's how we're sitting in our finances What about our other areas of life like you and I were good, but had we been working to get better?
I don't know Mmm, the girls were good But were we laying the foundation that would really make them good young adults like they were good healthy adjusted kids But were we preparing them to be?
Independent adults.
I don't know.
We were sort of just cruising on a bunch of things We were comfortable and things were good again.
The theme of this episode is not crisis.
It's just Evolution and changing so I remember coming home Maybe not that exact day, but at some point and throwing some financial changes Ideas out to you of like hey, what if we and we've got a whole episode where we sort of talked about money in that journey So tune into that if you want to hear that story But it also just sort of saw in a path of like hey Can we get better in this area and can we get better in this other area?
I think it was the first time that I concretely Recognized that although things were good They needed work.
They needed to be better if we wanted to hit some of our bigger goals Remember that day remember that week that time I do cuz I like where's this coming from?
And if I remember correctly You brought home an idea, but that wasn't it wasn't like the very next day.
We had implemented anything But it was something to chew on But there's something about the comfort that's involved with coasting that anything that I'm sure I was shook a little bit of well, but things are going well, why would Right.
It's nothing's broken.
Why why are we trying to change things?
So I so that was my recollection the very first time you mentioned it.
Yeah I mean with all these sort of things the change happens sort of slowly.
I'm not one You're not one who just sort of gets a wild hair and goes at something We were very deliberate in what we do and I'm sure we stood on this for quite a bit But I think that was the first time that I really like and it's funny.
We're I mean gosh, we're 18 years later.
Yeah, and I still very much remember that office that I remember, you know I remember that old Boombox sort of radio that I used to listen to because the pain they ask you to actually tune the dial and it would go Out soon now, it's all I heart radio and digital right?
Anyway, this is the nostalgia episode but yeah, but it's one of those like Clear recognition memories.
So that's our inked moment And we've just sort of given a little bit of foreshadow to what I think we should talk about next which is change that was a very clear moment of change not only for Me but ultimately for our approach to a lot of things in our life And I think these moments where we go from the ease of a relationship to the work of relationship They often come around change We are not the same person.
We are not the same couple that we were in our 20s in our 30s 40s now 50s like change is something the evolves.
So How do we manage change like what are your thoughts on that?
Yeah, I was as you were saying.
We're not the same people.
I'm like good There is a little bit of offense at that I was pretty good in my 20s You were fabulous and I was fabulous however, right Who wants to be?
Stuck stagnant, whatever word you want to use in the same spot for decades after decades You start questioning.
Hey, what's what's going on here if we're the same people so it's good the thing about it is I think the hard part about the change is acknowledging noticing and Acknowledging that the other person has made a change and adapting to that kind of like relearning each other We it was just a different phase for instance, I was thinking about this early I was like We talked in an earlier episode about I don't want to call you a hothead But your your emotions came out a lot faster and a lot stronger intense when we were in our 20s Oh, I definitely was a hothead in my yes.
We met each other in high school and in high school I was absolutely an emotional hothead and probably even still into college and then early early 20-something since so yeah, I am definitely Much more regulated on that front.
You're regulated, but I had to learn how to I don't want to say deal with that That sounds negative.
It sounds like a negative.
I had to relearn Before I didn't have to guess I knew right off how you were feeling because you expressed it pretty intensely You had I knew if you were happy if you were excited if you were angry if you were frustrated, right?
Let's be clear.
My anger was never outwardly directed at you.
It was usually you never Management program, but you were more likely to oh, yeah for sure just the way it came out But no, I never it was never direct I just want to be clear as we're having a relationship discussion here and you're talking about anger and I like let's just be clear We were good closer, correct Whereas through the years.
Yeah through the years that has changed you're not and so I have to pay more attention I have to be more in tune than I used to you see I didn't really have to think about it Yeah, I'm gonna know what Michaels feeling now.
I have to pay closer attention and body posture facial expressions quiet Not saying something is almost as impactful as saying something for you What you've become but I had to relearn that I was so used to you.
Just tell me how What you were feeling what your thoughts were and now there's a bit more It's different Yeah for sure and you're ironically a little bit different because you used to hold stuff really close to the vest and you would go weeks without me knowing there's any sort of issue and then it would come out in a flood of tears or Whatever and now you're much more clear where you just tell me what's going on now I was a but a big difference now is that I know when there's something going on.
So I'm asking you about it I'm not letting you sit and stew on it.
Whereas before in my 20s and 30s.
I didn't have the awareness that you were Dealing with something and that could that could be a relational conflict But it could also be a personal issue you're dealing with or a work-related issue.
You just keep a lot of those like today Like today.
Yeah, Melissa had a very rough day at work today and one of our we'll get to this but one of our one of our daily rituals is we take a walk and it's a Very intentional daily check-in and I mean I knew in the first 30 seconds when she came into the office after work that she had Had a bad day, but I didn't jump on it.
We wait till our walk and then it's like, okay Oh, yeah, and then I know already so go ahead and release the words because they're right Yeah, and you I think you even commented you've been kind of quiet.
How was work today?
Yeah, knowing where it came from because that's all I did today was right and work.
So yeah, so I think Recognizing that change is inevitable the willingness and the Intentionality of relearning your partner growing with them and then also helping them Manage through change.
So I was very clear in the ink moment that I wanted to change in an area And I'm not one who comes to you with with big changes that often so when I come with a big change It's something that I think Relationally, you're like, oh we need to think about this and we need to figure out what our plan is on this now in your relationship You might be much less Consistent with that You might have a person who has big ideas all the time and you got a sift through and figure out when is it really?
Something that matters or is it just the wild hair that they're chasing or you might have your own dynamics But the idea or the importance there is to not hold on to the person you married But realize that that person is gonna change over time and that you're gonna change as well And how do you navigate that change together?
Yeah, and along those lines.
I tell people a lot I know other people they've had long relationships and Some grow together and some grow apart and so it's not uncommon For things to end after you know 20 or 30 years because people grew apart and they didn't I think they didn't acknowledge and didn't Adapt to the person that they are now they were kind of stuck on that.
We didn't used to be like this Well, I should hope not.
I was 20 now.
I'm 50 right and if you are feeling that stress in your relationship It might very well be because you're not recognizing the change, right?
So that is that's putting a a name to the feeling that you're having where it's not easy anymore.
We're disconnected We're not aligned while you're changing.
Yeah, and are you recognizing that change in each other?
Well, let's move on to another little bit which is how do men and women?
perceive the work of what it takes to Nurture a relationship differently and again anytime we go into a his perspective her perspective or we're talking gender-based roles We're talking in very general generals, right?
Clearly not every man is this way clearly not every woman is this way Melissa does not like absolutes So when she said when you hear there are no good men She's like there are some and when she hears this always she's like not always so we're not saying this is a hundred percent gender-based All right.
So let's start talking about as a guy what are some of the things that I think that I bring to a relationship or have brought to our relationship that maybe at times have Not been top priority of like, oh, yeah, that's something we really do and I think some you know We could go down the laundry list of like tasks we do and that's not really we're talking about we're talking about Bigger things that sort of happen in a relationship Now, I think one of the things in our dynamic is when we had kids you chose to stay home we we chose to have you stay home or you know, raise the kids for a while and that put me in a sole provider role for a period of time and I think it's really clear to go oh you go to work and you do the the earning in that case very clear-cut, but I think the Emotional toll of sort of being a sole earner and providing a foundation for your family or your relationship is something that I definitely perceived as part of like working on our relationship where I don't know that you would necessarily consider that a relationship thing, but when You're providing and you're giving a financial base to something or the woman's doing that whoever's giving that financial base.
That is clearly Work on the relationship in my mind another thing that comes to mind there is that sort of related to that and very specific for us is that there are things that it takes just to run your house and to do the planning one of the things that Obviously everybody has to deal with his finances and we have had joint finances since we were married and we were married when we were dirt Poor so everything we have earned and together isn't always been our money We're not a late-in-life marriage where you might have more complex and bigger decisions ours was hey, you want to combine finances?
Sure, I'll put my nickel with your nickel and we're off to go.
We have two nickels Yeah, exactly, but I think there was a very long period of time there where I would do our investment planning and I would do Our fight, you know, the actual tasks of managing the household budgets and stuff and it's only in the last 10 to 15 years where we've gotten Way more intentional about you knowing everything that we're doing financially and being much more involved in it Because you should because a if I drop dead you need to be able to do all this stuff But be were way more powerful and and good when we do it together Harken back to the inked moment We were at the time that we sort of had that I had that draw to improve in our finances One things was we weren't working together.
We were on budgets and we were doing things.
We were very much siloed and how we were Right putting our money into practice.
That was one of the big changes was no No, we've got a line and we've got to do this.
So before that I would say that was something that Was a role I did maybe not the man's role but in this case it was right that I did that was an unseen so early on in our relationship or Even still today.
Are there things that you do that you deem as taking care of and nurturing the relationship that typically women Historically women have done in a relationship Yeah, women often do the emotional labor in a relationship noticing when something is off Bringing it up talking about it on a more practical level the things that I felt I did you were busy doing the Being the primary breadwinner and bringing home the money, which I acknowledged as As a thing, but I did more of that I want to say not that making money isn't family oriented but family oriented type stuff For example, hey your dad's birthday is coming up You know, I'm I'm would you like me to pick something up?
Do you have any suggestions?
If not, I'll just take care of it another one that I thought of that I Don't know how much you acknowledge whenever we traveled or anything.
I Was the one responsible for getting the girls ready?
So you packed your stuff?
For wherever we're going in in the early days It was we were just going back to see family in Oregon But I packed my stuff and the girls stuff and so I was I was kind of in charge of and took the Responsibility for the faint things involving our family as a whole, but that also contributed to our relationship as well yeah, it's funny because this is a pretty good example actually because who planned the airline travel who got the rental cars who planned the you know, like there's yeah, so those I think that's a really good example of It takes both sides to do it and I might not have acknowledged your packing work But I also don't know that you would have necessarily acknowledged Getting the rental cars ready and getting the trans, you know and making sure they had car seats for when we went there cuz you know We don't live there.
So I got a car seats, you know, I think those are the that's a very Family oriented one, but there's probably lots of examples Planning date nights.
I think you probably took the bulk of making sure we did date nights often and Maybe even picking the restaurants and doing that sort of stuff and I would just show up and have dinner And it had nothing at all to do about the fact that I was home all day with the girls and needed to get out Yeah, but but that's that's a relatively common thing It I see it in with the women in my practice that there are the ones and eventually they've gotten a little bit That that's that's heavy burden when you're the only one doing same with the finances or being the primary breadwinner when it's Like I didn't really think about that pressure that was on you to make enough money that I could stay home With the girls.
I really didn't I mean obviously I was making enough money that you could do that Absolutely, right if I had not been making enough money for you to do that, then you would have very quickly acknowledged that that was an issue Yeah, so I think these are the hidden things that and this is maybe turned into a little less of a Gender look at this thing and more of what sort of happened for us because I think especially today You've got a lot more women who are maybe earning more than their husband So like that's a primary earner issue and then in versus a stay-at-home parent issue okay, so we just Did a little bit of a touching on How men and women sometimes perceive the effort of relationship differently that sort of unseen stuff I think one of the things that we we have definitely gotten better at and a lot of couples do but don't recognize is that effort making an effort putting intentional actions into your relationship is Maybe the best form of love like you're just showing up and you're being very intentional and you're putting in effort Let's talk about some of the efforts that we How did we put effort into our relationship when we hit that time?
When we were working you bought our house and you know, we're disconnected.
Let's talk about what what effort looks like today you want to start with that because I have a great example of because we're talking here about grand gestures versus just Daily, yes effort that we put in.
I remember a grand gesture that you did and it was at the beginning and Then you know, I know where it went how our Relationship progressed after sure.
I don't do grand gestures anymore.
So I'm curious to see which one this is.
What grand gesture you just do Okay grand gesture, uh, I believe I was pregnant at the time and I had recently got a new car new to me and I was gone.
This is interesting.
Let's go.
I was going you couldn't make it cuz you had to work I was going on a trip with my my family of origin So mom and dad and my brother and sister and their families and we were heading on vacation.
Well, I had to drive From our house out in the country.
Okay to my parents house and I just left my car there and I went with them I think we went Sun River maybe anyway We went on this vacation.
Anyway, well, I was gone Michael took my car and the car had come with the crappy radio Stereo, I remember you took my car and when I got back a week later I get into my car exactly where I left it at my parents house.
I get back in my car I look there's a brand new stereo system and I was like, obviously I knew what where that came from But I was like, oh my gosh, that is so darn sweet.
I didn't ask him it was It was a car to me.
And so I was happy with whatever it had but it was it was a pretty bad Stereo system and you did that to me That's a grand gesture and I view that as something that people do in the early stages the honeymoon stage less so It's like those things aren't needed.
I'm putting that quotes Needed as that was a way for you to show me that you love now on the daily you show me and I It's the little things the day-to-day things and I see it and I I don't have to think twice about it.
Yeah interesting I think the thing about grand gestures is they don't come as often, right?
So I think we do still do grand gestures now I'm gonna be on the spot to try to think what the last great, you know grand gesture was I think we do still do Those at times but to your point, yeah, that's really Important is that the daily stuff comes way more often and I think that's really the the less glamorous, but the more important Absolutely.
I put more stock in the day-to-day.
The grand gesture was nice.
That was awesome and I get to tell that great story, right?
but if you were somebody that Right didn't show me you love me the rest of the days that you're I don't care about that So what does the effort of daily connection look like for us?
I mentioned it a few minutes ago We are very intentional....
Well, let's start or before that.
So this is something we added just five years ago, which sounds like five years ago Well, we've been married 30 years.
So just five years ago is pretty darn recent in our relationship when I get up in the morning, I tend to get up before you do and I get dressed and I head out and start work a little bit before you do and I give you a kiss every morning before I go now Yeah, I didn't do that for years and years and years Maybe because life was busy or whatever or I don't know or sleep schedules were different but that's a small little way to start our day that's and I just want to Make it a little bit more specific.
What's It's so very intentional Because my side of the bed is not on the way out the door So he comes on the other side of it if he just was ready to go and head out to work he just goes straight and he has to actually intentionally walk around the other side of the bed kiss me and Then walk back to where the door is.
And so, you know, it's not like a fluke of oh, there's my wife I'll give her a quick kiss on the way out It's an intentional effort sure and I see that and I don't know it makes me feel loved It was a gestures because I mean you make it sound like it's I'm crossing the Delaware or something with George, Washington But literally I'm walking around the edge of the bed.
But yes, I get your point.
It's not it.
Yeah, it's not just hey I'm up.
I'm going and I'm starting my day.
It's not I'm taking a conscious moment a beat to acknowledge I think that's an example.
We are very intentional with our daily check-in.
It's walking the dog again This is a somewhat recent one as well to you because before Covid before we were both work from home Walking the dog was a daily chore and one of us would go do it and be out and about now again We did have kids in the house, too So the dynamic sort of changed to being empty nesters where you had less time pressures in the evening And now it's an it's a daily very intentional and the walk sort of has a format to it.
It's Check in with each other and then it's a look ahead of what you got tomorrow What do you got coming up and it's a check-in of is is anything bothering you anything that you know?
Then it hits on the other subjects of the day the how's the family doing?
Have you heard for the girls that sort of stuff, but it always has those sort of handful of check-in elements to it Got any other examples of things we do that our daily effort There there are little things.
I think you notice them, but I'll share them anyway But they're Michael doesn't ask for much Especially when it comes to like food There there are there but there are things I know he likes Raw nuts.
I know it's random, but it's not random.
I don't eat sugar not not roasted not salted raw nuts We're all just plain no oils.
No nothing and those are expensive little buddies and they don't go on sale very often But I noticed when he's running out or has ran out and I make sure I get that for you It doesn't matter if it's on sale because you ask for so little and you have several of those things Then I'm just and I I'm pretty sure you notice.
Oh, wow, that wasn't in there yesterday, or you'll say hey I think I'm out of Tabasco sauce.
I'll say just pick that up today.
Oh, thanks right Domestic examples, I guess is what we're talking to there, right?
We do have a little bit of traditional sort of separation on some of these things I mow the yard and take care of the the sort of outside tasks partially allergies.
Yeah, exactly I wouldn't say you like grocery shopping as a thing.
Whereas you do like cooking.
So you do the Jordan I do like grocery shopping actually.
All right, so she likes I'm apparently freaking that because my clients like oh my gosh such a chore I'm like, I don't like grocery shopping.
I don't like getting deals.
Yeah, that's what I do.
It's a dopamine hit yeah, so I do notice that the Food does not magically appear in the pantry But I do notice that the things that I my comfort foods raw nuts are probably not my comfort food, right?
But but the point is the things that I need are there.
Yeah, I had a funny story that happened just a couple weeks ago you were traveling you were you were off with I think it was your trip with Taylor.
Yeah, and Alexa one of my daughters was over.
We have adult daughters 26 years old twins girls, and she was over watching a hockey game We had another buddy of mine over who was watching the game and he walks into the house He goes who it smells good in here And I'm like that is the wallflowers that are in the wall that it I have nothing to do with that but it is one of those daily efforts of like you really intentionally make our place nice and comfortable and You know the things that I would not I would not go out of my way to take care of those things Are things that you do that make our home warm and comfortable and nice and you know Oh an inviting place and so when you have somebody else walk in and go, oh, this is really good in here And it's like yeah, okay.
That's a wallflower.
I have nothing to do with that, right?
Is that what you told him?
That's all that's all that's all Melissa.
Yeah, and one of the little things I do Which you you probably don't even know I try to put there's one right outside Michael's office And I try to put a more masculine scent.
I don't notice that because I hear you say that occasionally I'm not doing florals or whatever like the next one when that one runs out You're getting coffee and whiskey is the scent that and so I try to put so that it's just these little things that Yeah, you're not gonna notice.
Yeah, so really these are the efforts of Making a nice environment making a nice relationship showing the little bits that you care about Our puppy dog just walked into the walked into the room.
So she's gonna go lay down there.
Hopefully It's late.
She wants dinner.
So she's begging for some food.
I think we got the point here that like don't discount the value of effort and paying attention to your partner's likes and needs and and Doing because effort is a way of showing love.
Yeah, well, let's Move on before we do that.
What does effort look like in your relationship?
What are we've given some very Minute personal examples here.
Let us know in the comments.
How do you show effort in your relationship?
We've talked about the small little things the effort the versus the big grand gestures I think another distinction that's worth exploring is Maintaining your relationship verse growing your relationship.
We are both of growth mindsets In our personal life in our individual lives in my work life your work life in our finances we're very big into the sort of achieving and growing and getting better at that and I think many relationships are In maintenance mode.
They're just sort of going along and there can be lots of reasons why they're just going along I think a main reason or often reason is you're comfortable like Maintenance maintenance is easy.
It's just you're kind of cruising along growth can be challenging and difficult So let's talk a little bit about the difference in general between maintenance and growth in your relationship and how we sort of navigated that Have we done it intentionally?
Or have we stumbled into it?
Where are we?
That's a good question.
I don't know Because I would say now is Unintentional earlier on maybe stumbling and That it just kind of I would say we stand we stayed in maintenance mode for a very long time Yes, and I think when we had young kids Maintenance slash survival mode.
However, you want to name that was probably part of it, right?
I think we we had a couple years there without kids and that was sort of the easy cruising time It didn't take a lot of I mean everything was new and building and easy there, right?
And I think we had a level where we had the kids and then within went into sort of a maintenance Managing to in survival mode.
Yeah, I think I agree early on it was definitely maintenance mode yeah, and I don't know would you say that moment you mentioned earlier about the coming home about the finance was that a Acknowledging that we're in the maintenance mode and but we want more than that for us for our relationship We want to grow we just don't want to maintain.
We want it to be more.
Yeah, I think Looking back we can name that change It's super easy to name it looking back and it started as a financial change Where we built a lot of synergy together and finances, but it didn't take it a whole lot longer to go well when you build a financial foundation that's solid for each other with each other that the natural extension is your relationship is going to improve and if It didn't take it was a very intentional move for us to realize.
Wait a minute if we leaned in and we really focused on Our finances together.
Well shit.
We can apply that to many other areas and Did it change how we started relating with each other?
Absolutely While our communication got better because if you're gonna make very tough financial decisions, you better communicate about them, right?
You have you have to talk about it and that's not always comfortable, right?
and this is our tip jar time to where a communication is one of those driving pieces we always talk about but I think one of the the first Intentional moves from just maintaining happened in our finances.
Yeah, and it just spilled over into say I think it was It gave us momentum We identified that as something we wanted to do.
We started work on it.
It was working, right?
At least I At first I might not have been a hundred percent on board You weren't but that's fine But once I got on board and I started seeing the the deck go down my my college loans good all that go down Oh, it got exciting and it used and that's probably why I like the grocery shopping so much I learned at that time.
I used to cut coupons for hours even made the girls cut coupons I would identify which ones and you know kindergarten, right?
They they give them scissors.
They teach you how to practice scissors I mean, I don't even know if kids need scissors today But how are you gonna cut your coupons if you didn't have your scissor skills, right?
Exactly and and so I read and so that gave us I believe that was the starting point to it Well, what else you know could be things are good But could they be better and what else would we like to work on and then I think for us?
another time that we really got rewarded for having leaned in was our both our daughters have muscular dystrophy we went through a very Arduous sort of medical diagnosis time when the girls were 13, so we're talking about 13 years ago now So that's what's 17 18 years into the marriage.
So we're probably four or five years Three four years into our journey of let's fix our finances.
Let's get more intentional I think we were in a much better relational position after that five years of focus that when the medical stuff came we were we were solid and it gave us the ability to focus on the family crisis and not focus on a Relational crisis or a financial crisis at the same time.
So we got rewarded for having done that and I think now Again, it's easy to name it looking back Mm-hmm and I think a lot of people don't even realize that they're just coasting in a maintenance period and If you have that epiphany and you have that that success and that movement Sort of gets a little addictive and you want to push it into other areas, right?
And I think that's what it is.
So I don't think a lot of people feel that But hopefully they get traction in one of those areas and once you do then you can put that in others Yeah, and but I I know enough people that I've seen in my practice that Don't realize there's another level that you hit maintenance.
Hey things are pretty good.
And that's where they kind of stop Not realizing that there's a whole nother level if you go for growth in addition to that.
Yes So let's close this segment with two real intentional things that we do that.
We would label as Growing mindset versus maintenance.
You want to want to give an example, right?
Intentional we are intentional about having planning meetings at certain times of year It's often around our anniversary.
I know we definitely do it on our anniversary You know, it's it's a momentous occasion and we look at okay, we're What have we done recently?
What do we what does the next year look like?
What would we like?
We'll do at the beginning of every Every year January one right around there She's usually a little bit before that because you have that big break for work But that's another time where we just we we talk about finances.
We talk about family things Oh, what does any family changes look like in the New Year's?
You know the year that Taylor was getting married and all of those things those are Intentional and that's something that we do There are specific times of the year that we do it twice a year Our anniversary happens to fall about halfway through the year and the holiday end of the year We always do that and those are the most formal sort of intentional like hey Let's put some dates on the calendar things.
We're aiming for some real numbers.
What's it gonna take to do it?
we do we're very Diligent about monthly budgeting and planning and investing But this is sort of the longer vision and it always has a retrospective piece of it What we accomplished last year where we now that we weren't five years ago because if you don't recognize how much Progress you've made it's really hard to keep the momentum going forward So we're very intentional about looking back and going.
Wow.
It was just three years ago.
We were doing XYZ now We're here and that's financially family relationships It's all those sort of things.
I think another thing that we do and it's very intentional and this doesn't happen at a set frequency But it's we have those life vision check-ins We're nearing retirement age Potentially we're we have some big goals around some travel and some things like that.
So they're they're they're sort of vacation planning We are also starting to talk about What does retirement look like if we get to a phase where you're retiring or I'm retiring?
Well, what does our life look like in that phase?
those are less tactical and more just making sure that we're aligned in a vision for where we're going and I think those are the two real tangible things.
Yeah, we do that.
I would consider Growth mindset not maintenance mindset with our relationship.
I would agree.
All right Well that brings us to our final segment, which is our Pen to Paper segment We like to close every episode with an action for you to take that you can do today To put into your relationship your marriage something that will activate around today's topic today in our pen-to-paper segment We like to give you a practical challenge or reflection to help you write your own lasting marriage story today We've explored why the right person still requires hard work today's exercise is to do an effort audit So Melissa, what is an effort audit and how can someone listening today put that into action in their relationship?
Identify three intentional things you've done in the past month that Showed that you were putting genuine effort into your relationship.
Okay, these aren't obligations Making you dinner that doesn't count as effort.
I mean, it's it's something it doesn't you're definitely not obligated to do it I can cook we're well that came across as something that like why she has to make his dinner No, no, you're not obligated.
I like to cook if you are the one who cooks Making dinner is not that doesn't count as an intentional effort into your relationship.
There we go Sorry to clarify and something that wasn't about logistics not clarifying.
Okay.
Well, what's this week look like?
What those are that's just stuff you do.
Okay, right?
So three things in the last month that took genuine effort Something that took a real investment that you put a real investment into your relationship Write those down have your partner do the same and then after you've done that compare This is not about scorekeeping.
It's not about but it's there might be something on your significant others lists that you didn't recognize and vice versa and Like oh, wow.
I didn't know you did that And then hopefully you can express gratitude for it.
I like to do but it's and There's also sometimes people think their list is really long about things.
They did and then they came up They had troubles getting the three that's something to talk about how much effort is each partner putting into the relationship and You won't know that until you do your effort on it makes sense.
So reminder effort doesn't mean big grand gestures Effort is a very found a fund a foundational way of showing love what effort are you putting into building your relationship?
So do your effort audit who has a hard one to say is To help with this I think you've created a spreadsheet for them or a worksheet for them Yeah, yeah, so links in the bio links in the description to go ahead and download your effort audit worksheet That's today's Pen to Paper Well, this brings us to the end of today's episode where we discussed why the right person still requires Work, we are 30 plus years in we are definitely with the right person and we are definitely working on our relationship Yeah, I hope you are as well with that We want to thank you for joining us and we invite you to connect with us by joining our free Penned in Ink community Here we share free digital guides and the occasional updates to help you build your own long-lasting Love click the link in the description or show notes Also, remember to share a comment ask a question and let us know your thoughts on today's topic And if you like this content, give us a like leave a positive review and remember to subscribe to get notified of future episodes Thanks all Thank you