Thirty-one anniversaries, and not once has anyone else been in the room. People assume that it is because we are private people. That is not really it.
In this episode, we tell the story of the anniversary dinner we could not afford and did not pay for, the 25th anniversary trip that COVID pushed back four years, and the year three trip to the Caribbean, where one dinner conversation set a pattern we have kept for nearly three decades.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, we figured out that the size of the celebration has almost nothing to do with what you get out of it. What matters is whether you interrupt your pattern long enough to actually talk.
Somewhere in the middle of all that, we figured out that the size of the celebration has almost nothing to do with what you get out of it. What matters is whether you interrupt your pattern long enough to actually talk.
What you will hear:
- The full story of the mystery shopping steakhouse dinner, homework and all, and why it is still one of our most memorable anniversaries
- Why we think congratulating someone for 31 years is really just congratulating endurance
- How a messy, stressful, not rosy year counts exactly the same on the score sheet as one of our best years
- What happened at a dinner table on St. John that led to the biggest decision of our marriage
- Why our 25th anniversary trip did not happen until closer to our 29th, and why we still call it the 25th
- How our celebrations shifted from flowers and gifts to experiences, and what that shift actually bought us
- What a working anniversary looks like when neither of you can take time off from work
- The daily question experiment we tried this year, including the one that got a little uncomfortable
What we share along the way:
- The three-part shape of our anniversary conversation: honest reflection, forward vision, and where the two of you are as a couple
- The things we deliberately never bring into that conversation, including surprises and saved up grievances
- A scaled down version for anyone at year three, four, or five who has never done anything like this
- Why the setting has changed a dozen times over 31 years while the conversation has not
Pen to Paper:
Set aside about thirty minutes and ask each other three questions. What was the best week of this year for us and why? What did we let slide that maybe we should not have? What do we want to be true a year from now that is not true today? Two rules make it work: pick a day and time and actually stick to it, and interrupt your pattern. If you always talk over the dinner table, go somewhere else. Take a drive. Find a quiet corner of the library. The new setting does more work than you would think.
We wrote all of this down for you. The Anniversary Vision Discussion is our free guide to the three question conversation, including the two rules that keep it from getting skipped another year. Join our free community for this guide and more.
We wrote all of this down for you. The Anniversary Vision Discussion is our free guide to the three question conversation, including the two rules that keep it from getting skipped another year. Join our free community for this guide and more.
Come sit with us on a rented couch in the mountains, and we will tell you what 31 years of doing this our own way has taught us.
Chapters
00:00 Anniversary traditions that actually last 31 years
02:16 Why we stopped inviting anyone to our anniversary
03:55 Did we choose privacy or did money choose it
04:42 How we paid for a steakhouse anniversary dinner
06:00 What mystery shopping is and how it works
09:48 Turning a working dinner into a real date
13:39 Why people congratulate you just for staying married
15:03 Longevity is not the same as a happy marriage
15:40 Why a messy year counts the same on the calendar
17:00 How COVID delayed our 25th anniversary trip
19:49 The year three trip that changed our marriage
23:42 The conversation that decided when to have kids
25:23 Why pattern interruption unlocks hard conversations
26:34 The twice a year check in we never skip
29:36 What we never bring into an anniversary talk
30:36 How to start a vision conversation at year five
32:54 How our anniversary celebrations changed over 31 years
34:29 The lean years when anniversaries meant dinner at home
39:07 What a working anniversary trip is really like
42:29 The daily question we asked each other all week
45:13 3 questions to ask on your next anniversary
47:49 Create the space and the connection follows
Chapters
00:00 Anniversary traditions that actually last 31 years
02:16 Why we stopped inviting anyone to our anniversary
03:55 Did we choose privacy or did money choose it
04:42 How we paid for a steakhouse anniversary dinner
06:00 What mystery shopping is and how it works
09:48 Turning a working dinner into a real date
13:39 Why people congratulate you just for staying married
15:03 Longevity is not the same as a happy marriage
15:40 Why a messy year counts the same on the calendar
17:00 How COVID delayed our 25th anniversary trip
19:49 The year three trip that changed our marriage
23:42 The conversation that decided when to have kids
25:23 Why pattern interruption unlocks hard conversations
26:34 The twice a year check in we never skip
29:36 What we never bring into an anniversary talk
30:36 How to start a vision conversation at year five
32:54 How our anniversary celebrations changed over 31 years
34:29 The lean years when anniversaries meant dinner at home
39:07 What a working anniversary trip is really like
42:29 The daily question we asked each other all week
45:13 3 questions to ask on your next anniversary
47:49 Create the space and the connection follows