Welcome to Penned in Ink a podcast where we discuss marriage and the power of long-lasting love For those of you who may be joining us for the first time, I'm Michael, this is my wife Melissa We've been married over 30 years and on this podcast We share stories from our life our time together with the hopes of giving you a picture of marriage that is positive So if you are young and early in your relationship Old and early in your relationship or maybe you've been together for many years like we have we hope this gives you some Thoughts and inspirations and things to take into your own relationship Each episode we dive into a new topic and today we are sharing stories of how Technology has changed over the course of our lives Believe it or not our relationship started before cell phones Before the internet and before all sorts of things that we'll discuss today that have really changed how relationships begin All right, you want to dive into the fun topic of technology?
It is a fun topic It it dates us a little bit, but I'm okay with that Life experience we have life experience, but it does very much date us as a reminder in this podcast We always like to go way back in the time machine and start each episode by discussing Stories from our very early days together.
Now as we already mentioned We were pre-internet.
We were pre technology pre cell phone.
So let's spend a few minutes Just talking about some of the other things that were Cutting edge and state-of-the-art technology in our early days We did mention this in a previous episode where we talked about young love.
How do we communicate early on?
What was the technology?
yeah, well pre cell phone meant that you had landlines and very early on Not even cordless.
It was when we first started dating since we were so young in the 80s We had phones that were attached to the wall and you could only go as privacy was not Really a thing.
You can't take the phone into your bedroom and shut the door unless the cord was long enough to do so and That was that if I wanted to call you it had to be from home Yeah, there was great old if you go watch 80s sitcoms and stuff There's always the picture of the kid with the phone that's got the 60-foot cord on it And they're trying to find some corner in their room to talk.
So yeah, so we were very much tethered to a line computers were very new Desktop computers in my house.
I think we got one when I was preteen Maybe is when we got our first computer.
There were no laptops being carried around.
There were no cell devices in your hands Do you guys even have a computer at your house?
I was just gonna say that we did not I don't think My parents got a computer until we all moved out Yeah, that sounds about right when we had to write papers for school and stuff they had these machines that were called word processors and they basically look like a Suitcase that had either a flip down or a built-in keyboard and it would It was basically a fancy typewriter.
You could back space and everything which was new like old typewriters you had to type type type type type and you had to correct errors physically this at least allowed you to type it and then You could hit print and it would go through the paper, but it was this huge big box thing Did you use one of those in college even I had one in college?
I had a brother I don't remember what what the number but I remember it was it said brother and then like 365 or whatever and if you want to use computer you went to the computer lab I remember exactly where it was outside the volleyball courts in college Next down below the right.
Yeah, and that's where you went I think I actually I took a computer class and learned basic basic basic Programming like making something run across the screen kind of animation But well where that computer lab was was actually where my first job was out of college That's where art had his just next to that computer lab is where our professor one of my professors in college started I did not computer that we were down in that lab because I had a view of the volleyball court was where my first office was yeah, so anyway to say that we we had limited technology by today's standards is probably an understatement the other thing that was really happening around this time was Computer programming or IT as a college degree was really just starting to go there There was definitely programs that were established, but it was very niche and it was very much in the mathematics it wasn't a mainstream topic the Cool new thing that was sort of coming out when we were just graduating college was this cool thing called the Internet we were back in email days email was super advanced and The Internet was I would say it was something few people knew about and I don't think anybody understood What was good about to happen as far as technology revolution one could maybe make the case that that's a little bit Comparable to what AI is right now.
You have a lot of people who are into it.
They're very technical and very savvy and The masses haven't caught on I think in the next decade.
We might see that same sort of big transition happening What were some of the issues that started to emerge as the Internet started to emerge?
Yeah there there were several I remember security being an issue You didn't think as much about putting your information out there.
Somebody asked you for your birth date for or your password you just did it because you didn't realize the ramifications of Giving that information out.
So security issues.
I remember that Yeah As that started to evolve you're like, oh you actually need to have a password other than one two Three four not that I ever had that as a password I wasn't that remedial but it that was one of the things that I really remember yeah, these were the early days of computer viruses were a big deal when you started to actually have a computer the Online security was something that was just super emerging and then with almost every technology Pornography was all over the place in the early internet days.
So to say that that those things we sort of grew up in learning how to protect your digital privacy protect your digital security to navigate the world of Pornography and all that sort of stuff.
I think those are the wild days of the 80s and 90s in Internet land.
Let us know what your early tech days are Maybe maybe you're in right now and we're gonna dig into what we know what tech looks like right now But maybe you grew up in that same era Anything we missed in there that that sticks out is particularly funny to you about technology back then versus today or maybe you even grew up before we did and What was your technology experience?
I say we fast-forward to today.
Let's get into the meat of Technology today and our focus is how does technology today play into relationships now?
If you want to revisit our earlier episode on young love like it's episode 5 or so We did a dig a pretty deep dive into what communication looked like for us in our early days Technology played a big part in that so we're not gonna dig into that today We're just gonna sort of fast-forward and we're gonna talk about looking at technology today and relationships today And since we which we'll share in a bit Our early days were way before all this stuff We are looking at this through a lens of an observer in some cases But also our daughters are going through it and we've watched their friends really dig into this and we've got friends who are still single Who are dealing and you we didn't mention this earlier, but Melissa is a Therapist counselor and so she deals with lots of people work with lots of people that are and I was just going to say that Not just what our daughters what?
but I have quite a few I have clients from the ages of 18 to 67 I think and I see the younger set those in their 20s and they've told me stories About what their experience is with so we might not have lived some of this ourselves, but we've been exposed to it I guess is it is a better way of yeah, exactly and we're gonna dig into a handful of topics.
We encourage you to Engage and listen into these topics and then be thinking of any that we miss because at the end we'd like to ask you to Say hey, that's all great and dandy, but you missed this piece So we get a sense of what you guys are dealing with out there and in technology and relationships Maybe and maybe we could address that in a future episode.
It's something we miss.
Oh, wow This was if there's a huge oversight.
Yeah, exactly.
I think we're pretty thorough, but we miss stuff sometime we do So let's jump into 24-7 connectivity we did not have to deal with that.
We had breaks from each other.
We had times where you simply could not Communicate that's not the issue today as much.
So how does that impact?
What do you see in that?
Yeah it the unrealistic expectation at least I feel it's an unrealistic expectation That you should have access to not just your significant other but family and friends whenever you feel like it.
I Know a lot of people that feel put out if they send a text and it's not replied to in 15 minutes.
What are you doing?
Do it and that's just doesn't we have lives we're we're working or maybe we're setting the technology aside to maybe engage with somebody that we're sitting in front of and We're not always going to be available.
But a lot of people think because you own a cell phone.
You should respond to me ASAP immediately.
Yeah unrealistic for sure and I think the other thing is people read in a lot of intent when there's not immediate response or some people do others don't care about it at all a downside of Not being connected 24-7 is it's hard to reach it with back in our day It was hard to reach people you actually had to very much plan ahead and think about that sort of stuff You certainly don't have that that problem today Again, we've done a little bit of a deep dive into that So we do encourage you to check out our episode on young love and we'll talk about how that really impacted us So we won't belabor the connectivity, but always being tethered to something is an issue Let's talk about dating apps What was our experience with dating apps?
Zero, there were none.
Oh We predate we predate dating apps.
Absolutely because when did the first dating apps?
Well, this feels like a trap question Because they they dating apps actually the first dating website as Melissa informed me earlier Came out the year we were married which then became a hot button of when were we married?
I know that 1995 and this is where I would make the joke of June 21st Because earlier in a previous episode I may or may not have gotten our anniversary date wrong, but I do know July 21st 1995 which happens to be the first year that I think it was was it match.com was the first believe it was yeah I think it was the first.
Yeah, we did not experience dating apps, but we're gonna dive into this because Our girls have experienced dating apps or some of our friends have experienced dating apps and I think you have helped many of your clients sort of navigate the Let's call it world of dating apps we won't call it the wonderful world or the the whatever because there are definitely pros and cons to it and And I hear both I I know of some people and I'm well some of the people we have in common That have met and formed very valuable and marriages that have lasted over a decade I believe we have a family member who found exactly their particular spouse a couple actually The other two are three are I'm thinking of one we don't have we don't have to we don't have to give their names Although I don't think so.
Well, here's that's actually kind of interesting.
I think back in the day it was a Little bit of a taboo or some sort of funny that wow You met your you met your dating your something you made online.
Yeah, I was like, wait, how else would you meet somebody?
So I don't think there's any there used to be a taboo around that and I don't think that a stigma Yeah, there we go.
That's a better word for yeah a stigma that people like did not tell they didn't say how they they would Make something else used to be taboo and there's a stigma about it.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay English English language there.
Yeah yeah, so what are some of the reported benefits of dating apps because I'm gonna make the argument that there are no benefits to it But you're gonna you're gonna you're gonna correct me and show me what the benefits are So what what are the benefits from your point of view?
Well, there's a larger pool of potential People you can only meet so many people but if you're online There's a lot more access if you're on one of these sites.
You can look at a page Hundreds in a day.
Yeah for sure.
I'll give you that one.
I'll concede that you will a larger pool okay, and then you also have the compatibility matching a lot of the you put in your likes you put in your dislikes and they come up with potential partners for you and Maybe it narrows it because there are too many if you were to look at absolutely everybody, but if you have a certain an important List of what you seek in a partner.
You're a wine lover So you want somebody else that loves wine?
You wouldn't go with somebody that's a teetoler.
Yeah, that is the promise of the algorithms I think the reality of the algorithms is they don't work very well But yes, but that that is that is the promise of dating apps is that there's a compatibility matching component There's lots of research that says the algorithms are not very good Now if you go back to the self selecting and looking at your pool, yeah, you see more So you probably have a higher hit rate, but reality is the algorithms don't actually work all that Well, I think another one you brought up was the I'll put it in quotes Opportunity to get to know someone before you actually have to meet them.
Why is that a benefit?
There might be something that wasn't listed on their profile that they mentioned while you're texting or your facetiming They are like, oh, that's kind of a deal-breaker for me It gives you I guess more of a way to weed people out by being able Yeah in a low-pressure environment, right?
It's a low risk.
You can just block them and move on if you write you don't say Oh, I don't think we're a match and then if they persist then you can block Yeah, I mean in a bar you do the same thing though, right?
You have that affinity in the first few seconds and you either block them and say no, I'm not interested you move on But but again, that's maybe a high-pressure situation versus a low-pressure situation if you got social anxiety or whatever Yeah, you maybe you'll miss something but if you have something in writing writing that you can go back to and look at or Replay, I I see it as a potential like you said potential because peekable can lie I've had many people say wow, they look nothing like their picture when we met in person Yeah, so dating app doesn't solve the misrepresentation or the lying piece, but maybe that's in person, too So yeah, I think the the whole point is that these are potentials for for positive outcomes Let's talk about what the perceived cons are.
I've already hit on the wood some of the big right, right?
Well the the lack of a human aspect body language Facial expressions if you're doing mainly texting you miss out on that you you're sitting across upsetting the bar You're gonna see if they like have a reaction to something you just said you are going to miss that if you're doing some of The online yes easy for someone to misrepresent themselves easy for you to miss very basic Tonal cues and social use.
Yes also accused because you don't have that in an app as much and I think there's also the potential that Someone's gonna cross boundaries in a digital world I believe dick pics and all that would probably if you have a whole term for for something happening It probably happens pretty pretty often And yes, Taylor and I were talking my daughter Taylor and I who's for those you just joining us we have daughters in their 20s and We were talking about this topic the other day and I was picking her brain on some stuff and she very Subtly alluded to that without straight-out saying that you know She would ask said I asked for something and then it's like that is not what I asked for, you know So I think there's crossing Digital boundaries pretty easily and it's a maybe that that's less likely to happen in a public setting than it is on a on an app Right agreed.
Let's move on to the another big topic, which is the impact of social media again We grew up with not only not 24-hour connectivity to people but we didn't have a view into our friends lives as much as as social media is brought forward and There's obviously some drawbacks of social media.
So let's talk about some of those or positives of social media Yeah, the negatives tend to come to mind for me.
I see more of the negatives, which is You mentioned people we have some insight into what other people are doing, but it's only what they show us You know that the highlight reel some people are very authentic and they'll say oh man lost my job today you know having troubles paying rent you don't get a whole lot you get the fabulous vacation pics you get Them showing you all the positives, right?
So you see the romantic couples you see the holidays you see the honeymoons You see the trips you see the early dating.
You see the engagement photos.
You don't see the Knock-down disagreements.
You don't see the moments of despair.
You don't see the exhausted confrontations You don't see the fact that They only see each other once a week because they're driving away on jobs or careers or whatever So you just see the highlight reel and you get a lot of that you get a lot of that from your clients, right?
You hear they talk to you about that sort of stuff quite often of it feels like I'm not getting ahead or it feels like So and so everybody's moving at a faster pace.
Well, that's because there's you're seeing the highlight reel yeah, and I point that out because I do hear that a lot it just people feeling and I Totally understand it and it's valid but feeling like they're the only ones experiencing adversity difficulties in their marriage or in their families or financially they feel Nobody else is also experiencing that and I have to point out Well, they're not showing you that that person in that McMansion might be in debt up to their eyeballs and Struggling to make their mortgage.
You don't know that just because they live in a big house and drive a fancy fancy car Doesn't mean they can afford the big house Yeah Just because they have the smiles on their Instagram Thing doesn't mean that they're not stressed out beyond all belief with other stuff and you just don't know and they might be like He's done up.
That's the thing.
The other thing that we talk about relationships I think there's all sorts of etiquette or expectations around your social media account.
They get really messed up.
I think one of the The things just sort of makes me laugh is well at what point do you actually label a relationship?
This is my boyfriend This is my girlfriend.
And if you label it in Person and with friends do you label it on your social media accounts?
Are you in a relationship on your accounts?
Do you feature your your partner on your media accounts or not?
Do you show them like I think there's all sorts of additional expectations around Social media inclusion or not.
And yeah, that's something you see.
I think it is right I do and I was just this just dawned on me I was thinking I would have never got upset with you for not putting a picture of me in your locker at school, right?
But people get upset if there's not pictures of them on their significant others Facebook page or their Instagram they well that also becomes sort of a red flag in the other direction if someone's Unwilling to be shown on your social media account or they want you know that I want my privacy Well, is that because you're living a dual life like there's all sorts of of I think it goes both ways Featured too much on your social account not featured enough on your social account.
I think this goes to how do you?
Represent yourself as a relationship in person and how you do it in your social accounts is a big deal And it also depends on how you use your social accounts I do I mean I could do a good bit on there, but I don't share personal stuff on social media Whereas other people share everything personal or at least the highlight reel of everything personal on their accounts So I think you have a lot of digital friction on social media accounts.
Let's talk about Behavioral impacts of social media doom scrolling time spent on your phone minutes turn into Hours turn into days of time just brain dead on your phones where you could be interacting with somebody else Obviously, and I think you brought a term up for that that I had not heard Technoference where the technology gets in the way of whatever it is You're doing if you're supposed to be having a conversation With your significant other and then your phone makes a noise and all of a sudden you've got your phone in your hand They're like hello.
We were talking here.
Have we ever experienced?
Technoference, of course we have yeah, I think so.
We talked about when Internet was coming out and that's where stuff very similar Technoference was a thing with internet days early days on computers mobile phones and social media just exacerbated that made it even worse, right?
But I would there was definitely times where I would spend I mean one of my earlier side jobs was web development So I was very much in early days when you actually had to code websites and people it wasn't just go spin up a website I did a lot of programming but I also did a lot of just internet searching and a lot of scrolling in Early web days where everything was slow.
So I spent a lot of time.
So I think we had a lot of that and then I think Once we transition to mobile phones and that sort of stuff I think we had to go through and we'll talk about this a little bit later of some boundaries we put in around this But I'm definitely prone to just spending time on my phone.
Whereas you Came to the technologies much later.
You do Facebook with friends and that sort of stuff So you have nightly time that you spend kind of catching up on your social circle But you don't do it in the moment as much as I do or as lots of people do so that technoference We had to sort of deal with that.
Yeah.
Yeah, like I don't have the Facebook app on my phone, right?
It's just and I never post.
I think my last post was in like 2018 I I don't post I do but like you said, I look I have family on there We live 3,000 miles from family.
So I will look at what's going on, but you're right.
I I don't spend well, let's dig into one more area of how Technology impacts dating relationships before we move on to our next segment and let's talk about security We alluded to it earlier that we were very much digital naive when when it came around and I would say the pendulum has swung very far on this to where We didn't know we were supposed to protect our privacy in a lot of these areas to now where people don't even care about protecting their privacy, which is equally as dangerous the oversharing the letting people have access to details about your life that they really should not not to mention the dangers of fraud and hacking and right all those sort of things losing your Social security numbers and your personal identities and that sort of stuff.
Let's talk about that a little bit I think one of the things that Taylor brought up that I hadn't really thought about was location sharing and the danger of if you're Posting and you're tagging where you are in photos Or if you're even just letting people in your circle or maybe your wider circle have location tracking on you That sort of opens up a danger that I hadn't really thought about but like that's that's a good point So oversharing and location what other right dangers are there?
Yeah, I was thinking that oversharing with the oh Can't wait to go on my trip to Europe.
We're gonna be gone for 14 days if anybody knows where you live or okay, look whose house is empty or Yeah, there is that piece that gets and there's also there's also Security bleed from friends and family where friends and family overshare about you doing certain things.
I think those are are real Not even your own behaviors, but they can be your circles behavior so just right that that digital security do more the jump to mind that I think we we see quite a bit of is People forgetting that everything you put online is permanent and this is one of the lessons we drilled into our girls remember that super early is The fallacy of apps being temporary or postings being temporary.
I mean, it's super super simple to Screenshot, it's super simple to and we also finding out that a lot of these Shockingly a lot of these platforms that say they don't keep your info.
What do they do?
They keep your info digital privacy and security and just not understanding that everything's permanent and You got to be really careful with that And I think the last one Unfortunately, our girls have not really had much experience with this but it's that cyberbullying Cyber stalking because you're again that anonymity of posting and that that ability to get to somebody's device With your posts 24-7 just really opens up all sorts of things in there and I think that's a good sort of exploration of What is probably common sense to a lot of people who have grown up in this era?
but I think you have a lot of people who maybe Didn't date in this era didn't develop relationships that have gone through transitions through divorce or whatever who are now Re-entering into the market and they're they're being just sort of kicked in the teeth with all of these Changes and all these new things that have sort of happened in the area Now as we alluded to earlier our experience was pre internet pre cell phone Pre a lot of these things and we asked you at the very beginning of this to be thinking about your experiences And we'd love to learn from you at this point So what big areas did we maybe miss that you think are really relevant drop a drop a comment drop a note and we'll use Those for future episodes and future areas of learning.
Yeah, well, let's move on This brings us to our first recurring segment, which we call inked moments in this segment We share a memory from our past that is related to today's topic So we're gonna share a memory going back to the 24-7 connected.
We did not have that Let's share the I'm having the baby's page your story It's it that's a good story.
So I was pregnant in 1999 carrying twins carrying twins and had some issues had to go on bedrest for several months and I needed to be able we didn't you and I didn't have cell phones at that time Nobody had cell phones at that time Okay, I mean car phones may be the big the big bright phones or the big bag phones But cell phones were not not even a thing then and I had the number for your office where you were working at the time There's no guarantee that you were going to be at the office.
What if you're out to lunch or we're driving 45 minutes or driving the 45 minutes to and from I remember actually, I think I Don't know if this is accurate, but it sounds kind of familiar.
Did the hospital rent us one?
I feel I feel that we we rented a pager.
I don't feel you bought a pager.
I didn't carry a pager Regularly, I might have had one for work at one point, but I didn't carry a pager Do we need to define what a pager is?
Okay.
Yeah, let's go back Internet search this if you need to but it's a little little box that you can call on a Traditional phone and it will show the number of who's calling and then you have to go find a phone Because you don't have one in your pocket and call that number back and hey, did you page me this case?
I would know the number I'd recognize it as Melissa and go I'd call her back.
But yeah, and it Really very dorky would have a clip and it was carried on their belt on the belt clip.
So go look him up It's great.
It's great old tech.
But anyway, yeah, and I remember having that I it turned out We didn't end up needing it But it was there was a sense being on bedrest is Stressful enough to have and we lived out in the country gonna say isolated in the country by yourself on bedrest eight months pregnant Correct needed it would have added another layer of stress and anxiety not to build reach There was a calming effect.
I had and I think that now relates to Cellphones if I'm out driving my car starts making a noise, I'm like, well, at least I know I can call somebody Yeah I mean that is a huge benefit of technology the security and relationship and you can reach out to the important people and But yeah, so we used to carry pagers and the one time we really we I used to carry a pager for the baby the baby page Twins are coming.
Yeah, of course.
No, we never had that.
Nope.
We did not but all right We've explored some of the many challenges that technology poses in modern relationships But now we want to pivot and explore healthy habits around technology.
Have you put any?
Guardrails or boundaries around your use of technology Melissa and I absolutely have and we've changed our habits since we're gonna spend some time talking about what we view as healthy habits and just like in the last segment, we're gonna encourage you to listen through this segment and Tell us if you agree with any of these habits.
Tell us if there's any habits you've developed that you Want to share or just agree with some of our habits because maybe some of ours are a little extreme and you're gonna go What are you doing?
That's not that's not realistic at all.
Put my phone down.
What are you talking about?
I think the first one that we Implemented.
Oh quite a while ago I think it probably went to its height of implementation during COVID times because you know What else were you gonna do but but be on the computer be on the phone be on Netflix But we have intentional time every day where we are device free.
So what are the times where we're device free when we walk the dog?
We are typically off.
They're in the pockets They're used mainly for tracking for exercise tracking and we don't look at them That is one on one time with the dog as well So so it's the three of us out and about without being on our devices and it's not a hard fast rule but I did get chastised for it the other day because I was on my phone because we were one of my colleagues was was Corresponding about something that was of interest to both of us But I think I kept going to my phone going to my phone going to my phone and she's like put away your phone I'm like, okay fine.
I put away my phone and the the other one we have and I just realized you mentioned a lot of These things, you know with COVID but this went way back the girls didn't get their first phones to like freshman year I think they were 13 when they got their first one.
Okay, so the end of middle school and We had a no phones at the dinner table Policy and we've kept that we don't yeah, we don't text during meals.
That's meals out meals in doesn't matter There's no no technology during dinner time, right?
And So that one has been around for 13 years.
Yeah when we had the girls living at home We would always have dinner around the dinner table and it was always time to share and not be on your devices We don't have that same tradition with just the two of us We've replaced it with some other technology like, you know TV and Netflix and streaming and shows But still it's not a time to be on your devices, correct for sure.
Yeah, so the walks the dinner What else what are the other times?
I think those are the poor vacations We when we travel we always make sure that we have times where we're not on our phones and that's being it Experiences or just you know, hey, we're in a new place Be off your phones we don't spend much time posting and trying to document and I've actually even gotten to the point where and this is maybe a Small little thing, but I think the having a phone with a camera in your pocket changes the way you travel Changes the way you experience things this I want to take a picture of everything becomes a huge Distraction to living in the moment and our first few trips I had my camera out all the time was taking pictures and taking pictures and taking pictures Now I'm much more strategic with I take a few and I put it away just being aware that I'm just taking pictures Yeah But you're not living in the moment and you watch any any big event now and you're gonna see Dozens of phones out those people are not watching the event or they're watching it through their phone Like it's right in front of you Just watch the event that's right in front of you because the number of times I go back and reference those photos or reference those Things it's minuscule.
So trying just to have intentional time of living in the moment some other things that we've implemented is getting better at simple acts of Being willing to stop on my device when a conversation starts or when you've asked me something I think in the past I would sit there and you'd be talking and I would continue to scroll or I have a home office Where I work and Melissa comes in and I may be doing something on the computer and she starts talking to me I've gotten very much more intentional about I'm gonna stop I turn away from this.
We have the conversation or I'm gonna pause it I'm not gonna continue on let the conversation go.
I think on the other side you've gotten better about Intentionally interrupting me or asking before just plowing into something because sometimes I'm actually doing something that is Will use the term productive not just doing scrolling or something like I'm actually learning something or I'm wherever and you would come in and just plow over top and I'm like, honey, I'm doing something here and it's hard for you to know if I'm just Killing time or if I'm doing something.
So I think we've both gotten better.
That's that That's what I was going to say.
I think it's important to Because sometimes you can't drop what you're doing Maybe it's time sensitive or it's work related but you can't always tell that from the outside It's important to say hey, can I tell you a story real quick?
And the answer might be no and I think we need to be okay with that But I think that is important in your right.
I have been working on that something that instead of just walking it and assuming 24-7 access in a different way since we both work from home to find out if now is a good time or not Yep, exactly and then Related sort of that is respecting that there are certain habits.
We have of certain times a day where we do things I mentioned earlier that you spend time catching up with friends and family via Facebook Will you do that in the evening every night?
So I'll come downstairs I know if you're sitting at the table and you're on your computer You're doing that so it's not a time where I'm usually gonna come in and tell you stories doesn't mean I can't say hey You got time for a story, but usually I'm gonna say oh, yeah she's spending her time doing whatever a couple other things that we've implemented that I think are really important and We never have important conversations over media if we're having a disagreement.
We don't sort of continue it over text We don't make big decisions over text.
We do all those things in person.
What other yeah or any thoughts on that or others?
Yeah, I think that's an important one.
Some people feel more comfortable.
They feel like they have time to reply Okay, there are some positives there.
But in general you anything that is a Big deal.
I still think needs to be verbal looking at somebody in the face Making eye contact and talking about the things.
I think arguing over social media over text It's just a really bad idea too many things can get misconstrued Maybe you'll say things that you wouldn't face to face digital courage, right?
Exactly.
You never say things you would never say to somebody in person But you're more than happy to say it behind a keyboard or right?
Yeah, and we mentioned this earlier to Intentional times of detox.
So we mentioned on vacations maybe times We one of the things that Alexa encouraged me one of my daughters encouraged me to do a few years ago when we were traveling is to turn off all notifications on my Emails and my work and my socials when we were on a particular trip, and it was great I mean the we think that getting the notifications and the dings and the buzzes or whatever Doesn't distract us because I'm not checking it.
No, it distracts you you are checking it You're mentally checking it in your every time you get notified.
It's a signal turn that crap off and have a detox is great So maybe you maybe you detox a little bit each day or maybe you do a full detox or maybe you're very extreme and you You cut think about detox digital detox And this is a term.
I taught you that you had never heard of remember to touch grass Yeah, basically just means go outside experience the world.
We have this this comfy cozy.
I'm on my phone I'm interacting with all my friends all my contacts.
I'm gaming.
I'm doing whatever I'm doing with my devices But there's this whole big beautiful world outside.
So don't forget to go out into into the world.
Yeah, there's there's a few more that We sort of talked about.
Yeah, we had talked about What what candy post what can't you post don't just assume that okay?
We were together doing this fabulous thing that you're okay with me putting that on my social media That's really good the other hot topic is Do you give access to your device or devices to your significant other and we believe in radical transparency For Melissa and I and again, we've been together very long.
I don't I don't I'm not preaching radical at Transparency if you're just early on dating and no, but when you're a married couple Yeah, like Melissa has access to all my phones all my devices Any of it none of it's not disclosed just set up really clear boundaries.
What are the expectations about that and don't confuse?
Privacy and secrecy like there's a level of privacy but never secrecy.
You can't be secret on any of these sort of things Thoughts on that you've seen probably.
Oh, yeah Yeah, I I have and I agree with you.
I think there's different stages of a Romantic relationship where Have have you earned that right to have do you have the trust in each other?
Do you have that and the first couple date times you date somebody?
No, I'm not handing you my phone What you have you haven't earned that right?
but later on Yeah, because there are a lot of there are people to hide things and in that gets in the way of trust and I have seen so many issues with that and it's it's coming to understanding about what the You know, cuz I go go on your phone to do this, but not this, you know Can I see what pictures you put you're posting on on social media that I don't have access to But I'm not gonna go in and read all your texts that just seems And figuring out what that is.
Well, but that also yeah, we'll talk a little bit I think in a future segment segment here about that, but it also Comes the trust comes over time and setting expectations on what's acceptable and what's not acceptable and you know You talk about reading texts and everything Well, as long as you have good boundaries about who are you allowed to text and not allowed to text and like you shouldn't be texting Old relationships, you shouldn't be having private conversations with certain co-workers of the opposite sex You should be you should be respectful of sort of the natural relationship Boundaries that you should have and just because you're on your phone.
Those shouldn't change if you wouldn't do it in person It would be inappropriate in person.
It's inappropriate on your phone So just be mindful of that and it even comes down to you following exes on social accounts or maybe following is fine But liking and commenting is not where is your line?
Where's your where's your agreement on there?
And I would say there are some boundaries that are healthier than others But there's room in there for you to find what works in your relationship and what's acceptable.
What are you?
Okay with what are you not?
Okay with and what you're okay with might be different than what we're okay with but the point is find your boundaries Communicate them establish them and then don't break them And we talked about we've talked a lot about social media and dating apps and that sort of stuff but when it comes to digital access, that's also a Finances topic and it's important information medical things.
Like are you giving that person access to all your digital medical records?
Are you giving that person access to your financial records?
And we again believe in radical transparency on these fronts and we've got a whole episode about the financial side But we're a hundred percent combined on that So you have access to all of that stuff my devices are just the mechanism for getting into that stuff So make sure you're solid in your relationship piece on all those fronts and then put a digital boundary strategy around that that Complements it All right.
I think that's a good dive into that anything else.
Yeah covered a lot of stuff there So we have just discussed a bunch of healthy habits and boundaries that we've set around our relationship and we encourage you to Share some of your own boundaries your own healthy habits that you set up and if you agree with some of ours great If you disagree, let us know in the comments and we'll we'll sort of talk through those Which brings us to our final segment Pen to Paper in our Pen to Paper segment.
We give you a practical challenge or Reflection to help you write your own story of long-lasting love today's episode has centered around the role technology plays in today's relationships One way to help build healthy habits around the use of technology in your relationship is to agree upon boundaries Around your use of technology.
So today's challenge is to have your discussions and set your boundaries Real quick.
We're gonna review four of our Must have boundaries.
So most of what what are some of our must-have boundaries in our relationship?
Never argue over text We're gonna have any important conversations in person.
Yep, absolutely Daily no device time that might seem a little radical to some people what put my device down Yes, put your device down.
We have our daily walks.
We have our dinner time We have some other times where we do not use devices.
That's one of our boundaries What else?
The radical transparency, that's that's a big one for us If I wanted to see something on your phone, you're like, okay cool at any time Look at my device look at anything you want to and honestly I can't remember the last time that we either of us have looked at each other's devices But we believe in radical transparency not only in our devices and our finances in other areas of our life for us radical transparency with our digital technology and then the last one for us that's in our must is We share very limited personal information on our social accounts That's a little ironic given the podcast where we're sharing lots of personal stuff, but in our social feeds We don't give real-time updates matter of fact We don't give any updates about what's going on in our life and our family except maybe the occasional really big milestone now our girls share much more and Taylor one of our daughters who got married last year her and her husband share a little bit more and they've set their own Level of boundaries in there.
So we are a little bit old-school Outdated whatever you want to call it, but we don't share any personal information.
That is a boundary for us So what are a couple areas where we encourage people discuss and have guardrails?
I I think it's important to lay out What are the expectations?
Guidelines around texting with people of the opposite sex and not necessarily just people you've been in a relationship with But you know even a co-worker.
I've had people tell me Yeah, my my significant other got a text from a co-worker of the opposite sex at 10 o'clock a night at night I was upset about that.
Is that valid?
And if you would have had that discussion about that, maybe you would have an idea of what is and isn't Acceptable.
Yep.
So who can you follow?
When can you follow?
How can you interact with them?
What can you do is texting?
Okay, it's texting not okay is liking their posts.
Okay, or not is commenting on their posts Okay, or not, where are your boundaries set those that's really important and then I think the last one area we would really say is Set parameters on what you're gonna share through your digital's be that your locations with people be that your family photos your couples photos That sort of stuff just be really clear on that and there's probably a dozen more areas But our Pen to Paper is to you have the conversation Set boundaries because the only way to have healthy relationships with your partner and your devices is to communicate and set Boundaries and sort of be very clear on that front.
I'm good.
Mm-hmm All right.
So what tech boundaries have you set in your relationship?
What boundaries do you wish you had set?
What boundaries have been crossed that you will never allow to be crossed again.
Tell us your digital boundaries stories Okay, I think that's it.
Anything else we want to work on today talk about today No, I think that that was a pretty deep dive into tech and relationships.
Yeah, I think it was so much like our financial area Discussion.
This is not a one-and-done topic.
We will revisit this Technology is one of those things is ever-changing ever-evolving I think we are very early days in where artificial intelligence is gonna change things It's gonna change how we search it's gonna change how we create content It's gonna change how we post and manage and shop and all sorts of things.
So we will 100% be revisiting digital Discussions in there, but that's enough for today.
I think we've sort of gotten into that next episode We are gonna get into kind of a cool topic or maybe not a cool topic, but we're gonna discuss How do you manage conflict?
How do you?
Fight fair.
What are some tools for helping you through disagreements now?
We've done an episode on young love and conflict that comes up there and where we went through a bunch of areas of potential conflict But we didn't really dive too deep into how do you resolve those conflicts?
How do you manage those conflicts and What does conflict resolution look like in your early days?
Versus maybe for someone like us a couple like us who's been doing this for 30 years How do we resolve conflict now and I would say hopefully we are much better at it now Then we were 20 25 years ago.
So in our next episode, we're gonna talk all about fighting fair.
How do you repair?
How do you come back?
How do you heal?
So I'm looking forward to that one.
Maybe I'll learn something.
Maybe I'll become a better Conflict resolution.
I was gonna say fighter, but I'm not gonna be a better fighter in there.
All right.
Yeah.
All right.
I'm good.
Perfect All right with that.
We want to thank you for joining us today We invite you to connect with us share a comment ask a question Let us know your thoughts on the role technology plays in today's relationships Share your boundaries share your habits share all those things.
Let us know Let's hear in the comments.
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